Hold Me

ocean healing1

I am exhausted. Physically. Emotionally. In my soul. It was a challenging week. It was also a really good week. I feel proud of what I accomplished this week. Even in that truth, I am exhausted.

Something that I talk to many of my clients about is different ways to release difficult emotions so they don’t feel like they have to hold everything all the time, allow yourself to be supported. For my writers I encourage them to let the paper hold it for them. For my artists I encouraged them to let the canvas or clay to hold it for them. For my athletes, let the court or the ball, or the track etc hold it for you.

It is easy to be consumed by our feelings, the energy they create. It is okay to feel them, it is also okay accept support.

Right now I am open to support. Hubs and I have decided to go to the beach this weekend. I am grateful. I look forward to being in the ocean, allowing it to support me, allowing it to hold everything I am feeling so I do not have to hold it by myself.

Once the decision was made that we would get away this weekend I felt instant relief. It gave me the boost I needed to finish out my week.

I am at the beginning of what I hope to be a long career of meaningful work supporting others. To do this work I also have to allow myself to be supported.

ocean healing

 

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How to be Attractive

I logged into my Pinterest account today to grab one of my images for one of the other posts I was writing and there was an image sitting there waiting for me because apparently based on the other things I have been pinning Pinterest thought I would like it. I had a total WTF moment about it. Here is the image:

how-to-be-attractive

What the fuck Pinterest? Really? Do you not know me at all?

I am sorry but my inner feminist could not let this one slide. I have been made aware that this utter nonsense exists in the world and for the next five minutes it is my mission to balance this garbage.

Luckily as if she somehow knew I needed something awesome in this moment my soul friend sent me this.

This awesome slam poetry serves to rip shame in half and give the finger to sexist agendas that aim to keep women small, neither seen nor heard.

Hear is my truth about feeling attractive and connected to myself: I do it for me not for anyone else.

  1. I smile when I feel like it not out of obligation to the world. Sometimes I feel swallowed by my emotions and smiling is not a thing, I am no less attractive because I experience more than one emotion.
  2. I smell the way that I smell. It is my smell. My smell is usually lavender and lemon oil, it may not be for everyone. I am not open to anyone else’s opinion on my smell.
  3. I wear clothes that feel good and make me feel like myself when I look in the mirror. No outside opinions needed or wanted in that area either.
  4. I will educate or shelter myself on and from the world as I see fit. I am no less intelligent or worthy of taking up space based on my decision in this area.
  5. I can kind of get behind this one honestly. I do not speak kindly of myself though, that is doing it for other people. I speak kindly to myself because I do it for me, not for you.
  6. Have whatever kind of hobby you want, screen or no screen. Or if you prefer don’t have a hobby at all. Your interests are YOUR interests. They belong to you, do what feels right.
  7. I do value education, that is my truth. I also thought that college was out of reach. You are no less worthy if you did not get past the 8th grade. You do your life in the way that feels right for you and do not accept anyone else’s judgements or opinions based on some classist bullshit like higher education.
  8. Make time for yourself and anyone else you feel drawn to give your time to. Our time is an enormous gift, we deserve it as much as the rest of the world. You are still a good  and worthy person if you never volunteer a day in your life.
  9. I like the piece about saying thank you because one of my own personal truths is deeply connected to daily gratitude. I do not believe in obligatory reciprocation though. You reciprocate when you feel compelled to and do not allow others or society to guilt you into doing favors you are not comfortable doing.

These are my truths about being attractive based on the list provided. They may not be your truth, maybe you like the original list. That is alright. Personally, it was not for me. I am more in line with Olivia Gatwood and her Ode to the Resting Bitch Face.

You owe the world nothing. Focus on you, figure out what unique brilliance you bring to the world and do not allow others to tell you that you are less than because you did not conform. Radical self-love my friends. Embrace all aspects of yourself as you are not as others believe you should be.

 

 

Sometimes You Just Need a Day

This morning I woke up and rolled over to this face:

need-a-day

That was all the convincing I needed. I am staying home today, the dog needs cuddles. So I rearranged my schedule, sat in my gratitude for having a flexible schedule that allows for these kinds of changes, and got to cuddling.

After a sufficient amount of time cuddling it was time to get up. It was early and I had the whole day ahead of me with nothing on my calendar. Nothing. I love the way that word sounds when used in the context of my schedule.

I had my tea and meditated in the silence of my home. Once my intention for the day was set it was off the the art supply store to polish off the rest of my gift card money from the holidays.

I have a few different art projects on my list right now. Some are for me, some are for loved ones, and some are to do with my clients.

I got all my supplies for my various projects and headed to the check out line. I was standing in line admiring the art supplies that the silver haired woman in front of me was purchasing when the magazine rack next to me caught my eye. What caught my eye specifically was the piece on the front cover of a magazine that read: 70 Everyday Bits of Magic Worth Celebrating. In my head I started compiling a list of my own everyday magic. I looked back at the magazine; another piece on the cover read: Living an Intentional Life.
Okay magazine you made your point. I proceeded to put it in my basket and check out.

I spent the rest of the day on the art project I plan to do with clients. We have adult coloring books at our agency that many clients use as a coping tool. Recently my supervisor and I brainstormed an art project that takes the coloring pages a step further into a therapeutic art project. This came after my supervisor bought a bunch of canvases on sale at the art store and came to me asking what kind of project we could do with them.

I took myself back outside today to create because it was another beautiful day. Not to mention that the clean up is way easier when I don’t have to lay a drop cloth.

need-a-day2need-a-day1

I lit my candle for creative inspiration, colored my coloring page, grabbed my paints and created a colorful background on my canvas. From there I modpodged my coloring page on to my canvas and added odds and ends for pizzazz. (That word is weird right? Pizzazz..)

need-a-day4

When I was done with my art project I cleaned up my supplies, did a few chores, and then because I was feeling really domestic today I even made a berry crumble for after dinner. I always keep rolled oats around just in case I feel like baking something easy.

While my crumble baked I caught up with two of my soul friends by phone. One of them is coming to stay with me at the end of this week and I am over the moon. I cannot wait to be in her presence.

After everything else was finished I curled up in my blankets on the couch and read my magazine. It has been a long time since I have bought a magazine. The last one I purchased was an art magazine. This felt a little foreign but this magazine is very me from cover to cover.

need-a-day3

It was a good day and sometimes you need one of those.

Free Fall

anxiety

I heard a rumor yesterday that the next job opportunity that I thought might present itself to me maybe wouldn’t be after all. Today that rumor was a confirmed fact. The job prospect that felt so right is no longer an option.

When I first heard that maybe this wouldn’t work out after all I felt a bit panicked. I didn’t realize how much I was hanging hope on this. Then today when it was confirmed another feeling popped up, an unexpected feeling.. Relief.

Suddenly that panic of Oh my gosh what am I going to do? morphed into I don’t know and it is okay.

I don’t think the idea of not having a job lined up is what has been stressing me out, I think it is the not knowing what the job will be. I have every confidence I will get a job, I just really want to know what it is going to be. I feel like I am trying to skip chapters in a book because I just really want to know how it ends. I need to relax, keep reading, and try to enjoy the story.

I have been speaking with my husband about everything and as per usual he is pretty chill and supportive about the whole thing. He has no worry in terms of me gaining employment and who knows what else will happen this year? Maybe I am not meant to have a job immediately.

There was another piece of me that felt like I have to get licensed ASAP as well. I had this long check list of all the things I have to do the second I graduate but the truth is I don’t. I don’t have to do any of this immediately.

I can wait to attach with a LCSW supervisor. I can wait to apply to be a registered intern. I can wait to take the test. I can wait to get a job. It can all wait. My life is not going to fall down around me if these things don’t happen the second I am done with school. It will be okay. I will be okay.

Once I apply to be an intern I have 5 years to get my hours and pass the test. If for any reason I cannot make these things happen within that 5 year window I do not get my license in the state of Florida. Ever.

I am trying to balance myself as I finish this last semester but this is all weighing heavy on my mind. This is a big life transition. Once I graduate I am walking back into full-time employment, and everything that comes along with the licensure process, and hopefully parenthood, and building my own practice at some point.

I am excited about most of these things. I am also a bit overwhelmed, and scared. I am also grateful. I am also curious. I am also wanting to speed up time and start doing it all. I am also trying to keep my balance and remain grateful for the moment I am in.

It will all be okay. I will be okay.

Anti-Climax

I am nearing the home stretch of my time as a social work student and it is not quite what I expected. I thought I would be filled with an excited bursting energy and end my time in school with some sort of fanfare, but the truth is it all kind of feels like a non-event.

I think a few things contribute to my lackluster sense of excitement when it comes to finally reaching my end goal.

  1. Grad school was an overall disappointment. There were a few classes and topics that i found interesting and informative but on the whole I was severely underwhelmed and felt under challenged. For someone who is focused on growth I felt I experienced very little this last year based on my experiences in the classroom.
  2. This semester is primarily web based. I am not going to campus much this semester so it doesn’t really feel like I am even in school. I occasionally have to write a paper but the work load is minimal and with no classroom time it feels is as if graduation somehow came and went without me.
  3. This internship being a longer internship makes it feel more like an actual job than an internship. Not having to go to class adds to that feeling. I love the internship but I do not feel like an intern, I feel like an employee because I have been there for so long at this point and am so comfortable with the job.
  4. I have decided not to walk at graduation, I may have already mentioned that. I have zero interest in doing the big graduation and they are not having a small social work celebration so there is no stage walking this time around. This of course makes graduation feel like a nonevent because it kind of is.

I am not necessarily upset by the way things are ending, it is just not what I expected. This is a big life event for me and without the hubbub surrounding it somehow it doesn’t feel so big. I am sure as the months slip by and the end is really upon me I will start to feel differently. Or maybe I won’t. Either way I almost done and that means something, with or without the fuss.

I Knew This Day Would Come

badgut

One of my biggest fears when I first made the decision to become a social worker was that I would not be able to do enough to help/protect/save/fix/serve my clients. Then I started the BSW program and my own therapy and realized that is not what this all about. Help, yes at times. Serve, yes we do that. Protect, we would love to be able to do this, and maybe sometimes we do but the truth is we are not super heroes. Save/Fix, nope, not part of the job description.

Learning boundaries helped me a lot in this area. It gave me a much healthier mindset about the work we do. Still, I have always known that a day would come where these feelings of not-good-enough in the realm of social work may pop back up for me. Well my friends, that day has come. That day has come and gone actually.

I did all the things I am able to do, I followed protocol, I worked with my client to ensure they were safe and gave them a few new tools for their emotional tool box. At the end of the day though I had this nagging feeling that I made no impact. I had to sit with that feeling, take it to tea, and get to know it better.

What does it say about me that I was not able to make a difference? Am I a bad social worker? Is this person’s suffering my fault? Did I do enough?

The answers are: Nothing. No. No. and Yes.

Here is my gratitude now that I have finally had the client that brought on these feelings and this day has finally come..

I am grateful that I have been doing my own work so when it did finally come I maintained my boundaries.
I am grateful that I was able to recognize these feelings belong to me and they actually have nothing to do with this situation. My client did not make me feel this way, this is my stuff, not my client’s.
I am grateful that I am comfortable enough with my darkness that when I feel my shame pop up I am able to show her love and support. Love is inside job.
I am grateful that  I self-aware enough to recognize how I was triggered in this case and check-in with myself.
I am grateful that I am in place in my life where I make taking care of me a priority so I am able to offer my support to others in a healthy way.

At the end of the day I did all the “right” things and did not get the outcome I hoped for. That is okay, this is not my life, it is theirs.

I was enough. I am enough.

 

 

Soulful Art: Part I

We did not make a single plan this weekend and as a result we have both been happy as clams with our shells closed tight. We watched a movie together, donated some items to red cross, took Lu on an outing, and then retreated for introvert time.

Hubs hid out in the office more than likely do math, and I set myself up on the living room floor to paint.

Yesterday I worked on an art project for internship. I cofacilitate a group every week with an MHC intern from my university. Every other week we take turns leading and coming up with the topic/content for group. This week was my week, I did boundaries. Next week will be the MHC intern’s turn and then the following week will be mine again.

I know for my next opportunity to lead I want to do an art project with the group to help them process the topic I have chosen. I am going to build on what I have started with boundaries and discuss the metaphorical masks we all wear in order to feel safe and accepted by the outside world. We will literally be creating masks. One side will be adorned with our outside self and the other side will be decorated with our inside self.

In order to stick with my intention of not asking my client’s to do work I would not be willing to do myself, I created my mask yesterday. I wanted to see what parts felt difficult for me, and where/how I felt stuck while working on it so I will be able to help my clients if they struggle in a similar way. I find that I am able to lead a more authentic discussion and processing after if I have done this work myself because I will have better insight based on my own experience with it and may be able to offer a different perspective for them.

For example, a few things I recognized while creating my mask were:

  1. The stuff on the outside is not always fake. Often when we talk about the idea of masks we are often referring to fakeness, they are not being authentic because they are not letting me see behind the mask.. I definitely thought this. It is not that our outside mask is inauthentic to the point  of fakeness, it is just not the whole truth. It is a version of the truth, the version we are comfortable showing. Almost everything on the front of my mask is authentic for me, it is just not the whole story.
  2. The stuff on the inside is not necessarily bad. I think that is another misconception we make, at least I know I have. It is easy to assume a person is wearing a mask and maybe only showing their highlight reel because the stuff they do not want you to see is bad. What I realized when I being honest about what I allow to be seen on the outside and what I keep on the inside on my own mask is that while some of it is darker and I hide it inside because of stigma and shame and not wanting to feel judged, some of it is really special and beautiful but I have traditionally kept it on the inside because it means so much to me that I keep it just for me and don’t want to share it.
  3. There is so much more beneath the surface. On the outside of my mask I put exactly what felt right to me, I only put what spoke to me and told me they were meant for the outside. I did the outside first and when I was done it felt honest, Yep that looks accurate. Then I did the back/the inside. I realized there was so much I wanted to include that I really didn’t have enough room on the mask for everything to be seen. I chose to edit and try to make it as honest as possible understanding that I would not be including everything due to space limitations. Again, the outside felt honest too but it was only a small fraction of the whole picture. We all have so much bubbling under the surface that the outside world may never see, save for a few trusted people.

That last realization really struck me on a deeper level. It helped me truly understand what people say about how You never really know a person or You never know what a person is going through etc etc. I mean seriously. When we interact with people it is like we are seeing just one star in a dark sky so we think that is all there is when in truth there is an entire universe that is constantly expanding inside that person but because we can’t see it we would never know. Fuck right?! It’s wild when you really think about it.

So here is the mask I created. Excuse the poor picture quality, the inside image came out blurry and I decided I didn’t care enough to take another shot.

Addendum: It occurred to me after I had already published this post that maybe “I didn’t care enough to take another shot” is not the whole truth. Maybe my inside self did not actually want to be soon 100%. Maybe this is the real reason I didn’t take a second shot to clarify the image and maybe on some intuitive level, without being fully aware I was doing it, I took a quasi-blurry photo on purpose. There is a whole expanding universe bubbling beneath my surface, it is quite possible I don’t want you to see more than a few of my more noticeable stars. 😉