How to be Attractive

I logged into my Pinterest account today to grab one of my images for one of the other posts I was writing and there was an image sitting there waiting for me because apparently based on the other things I have been pinning Pinterest thought I would like it. I had a total WTF moment about it. Here is the image:

how-to-be-attractive

What the fuck Pinterest? Really? Do you not know me at all?

I am sorry but my inner feminist could not let this one slide. I have been made aware that this utter nonsense exists in the world and for the next five minutes it is my mission to balance this garbage.

Luckily as if she somehow knew I needed something awesome in this moment my soul friend sent me this.

This awesome slam poetry serves to rip shame in half and give the finger to sexist agendas that aim to keep women small, neither seen nor heard.

Hear is my truth about feeling attractive and connected to myself: I do it for me not for anyone else.

  1. I smile when I feel like it not out of obligation to the world. Sometimes I feel swallowed by my emotions and smiling is not a thing, I am no less attractive because I experience more than one emotion.
  2. I smell the way that I smell. It is my smell. My smell is usually lavender and lemon oil, it may not be for everyone. I am not open to anyone else’s opinion on my smell.
  3. I wear clothes that feel good and make me feel like myself when I look in the mirror. No outside opinions needed or wanted in that area either.
  4. I will educate or shelter myself on and from the world as I see fit. I am no less intelligent or worthy of taking up space based on my decision in this area.
  5. I can kind of get behind this one honestly. I do not speak kindly of myself though, that is doing it for other people. I speak kindly to myself because I do it for me, not for you.
  6. Have whatever kind of hobby you want, screen or no screen. Or if you prefer don’t have a hobby at all. Your interests are YOUR interests. They belong to you, do what feels right.
  7. I do value education, that is my truth. I also thought that college was out of reach. You are no less worthy if you did not get past the 8th grade. You do your life in the way that feels right for you and do not accept anyone else’s judgements or opinions based on some classist bullshit like higher education.
  8. Make time for yourself and anyone else you feel drawn to give your time to. Our time is an enormous gift, we deserve it as much as the rest of the world. You are still a good  and worthy person if you never volunteer a day in your life.
  9. I like the piece about saying thank you because one of my own personal truths is deeply connected to daily gratitude. I do not believe in obligatory reciprocation though. You reciprocate when you feel compelled to and do not allow others or society to guilt you into doing favors you are not comfortable doing.

These are my truths about being attractive based on the list provided. They may not be your truth, maybe you like the original list. That is alright. Personally, it was not for me. I am more in line with Olivia Gatwood and her Ode to the Resting Bitch Face.

You owe the world nothing. Focus on you, figure out what unique brilliance you bring to the world and do not allow others to tell you that you are less than because you did not conform. Radical self-love my friends. Embrace all aspects of yourself as you are not as others believe you should be.

 

 

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“We Should All Be Feminists.”

These are the words my professor uttered a few semesters ago after a classmate stated, Well I don’t personally identify as feminist.

I don’t know if my professor meant we as social workers, or we as women, or we as liberal minded individuals, or we as in every single person ever (I personally lean towards the last option). And I know that professors “should” remain objective but I sure am glad she said it! I know I am not alone either.A lot of my friends in the class breathed a visible sigh of relief when the professor spoke up.

Every time I hear someone, specifically women, renounce feminism I feel myself hold my breath. Suddenly I don’t feel safe because if you are telling me that you do not identify as a feminist it makes me wonder if there is an aspect of equality that does not speak to you? And if that is the case then yeah, back to what I said, I kinda don’t feel completely safe around you.

This exchange led to a really awesome conversation. This professor is a huge feminist and very open about it. We discussed why some people do not choose to identify as feminist, some people in class spoke up to share their reasons.

The reasons ranged from: I don’t know enough about it, to my dad would kill me, to but I don’t hate men, to feminism is not inclusive, to I am not political, to I just don’t believe in it, to feminists are always so angry and I am not an angry person, to I’m not much of an activist.

My professor and some of the rest of us helped illuminate the discussion by explaining some misconceptions and answering questions.

So I wanted to share a little bit of the discussion for anyone else that may still think feminism is a dirty word.. Let’s brush some of that dirt off.

  1. Feminism is not about hating men. That is a totally different thing called misandry. Some Feminists may personally identify as misandrists but that is like some may identify as lesbian or Christian or Latina or male. You can be all of these things and be feminist but they are not the same. So to be clear: Misandry = dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against men. Feminism = the advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes. NOT THE SAME THING.
  2. Feminism is all inclusive. Malala Yousafzai defined feminism as a synonym for equality and I personally agree with that definition. Now, this misconception is a fair one, but I would like to clear it up all the same. There are different branches of the feminist tree and some are less inclusive. For example, radical feminism has a history of discriminating against trans folks. Some radical feminists do not believe that trans folks belong in the movement. That is not the feeling of the majority however and feminism as it exists currently is very clear about its commitment to intersectionality and inclusion. Feminism has multiple branches, Liberal, Social, Radical, Womanism.. etc.. If you would be more comfortable getting super specific then I recommend doing the research and pick which one feels right to you. Or define it for yourself, that is a totally acceptable alternative as well.
  3. “I’m not political/ I am not an activist”. Cool, me either, but I am still a feminist. There are no rules to being a feminist, you get to define it for yourself. Let me repeat: THERE ARE NO RULES, YOU DEFINE WHAT IT MEANS TO YOU. I would not typically attend a protest personally because that it not usually the energy I want to put out into the world, that does not make me care any less about equality and women’s rights. I am also not super political. I think our political system is a joke and have very little faith in our elected officials. That does not make me any less a feminist.
  4. Not all feminists are angry. That is like saying all social workers work for DCF (my social work friends will get why that is such a cringe worthy statement), or all Christians are anti-gay, or all white people are racist. Those are pretty heavy accusations to make and THEY ARE NOT TRUE. Sure, some feminists are angry, and they have a right to be, consider what we are talking about here; protecting the rights of a group of people who have historically had their rights infringed upon based on their sex/gender. We have a right to be angry. And yes, some feminists bring that masculine energy into the movement, especially at protests. That does not mean all feminists are angry. Personally my brand of feminism comes from more of a earth-mother- nurturing place and I lead with a much more feminine energy. Again, there are no rules, you get to define it. Feminism belongs to you, and to me, and to everyone. We make the decisions about what it means to us. And I would like to make the statement one more time before moving on that there is nothing wrong with being angry. To focus on the emotion in a negative light like that serves to minimize the experience of the individual. People have the right to be angry, we all have the right to feel our feelings. There is nothing wrong or bad about that.
  5. My family/friends/significant other/social circle/kid/employer/grocer/dog/bus driver wouldn’t understand. THAT IS OKAY. This is not for THEM, it is FOR YOU. The things we believe in BELONG TO US. They are personal, they are sacred. No one is required to understand them and WE DO NOT OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION.

I am going to end my list there and address the last reason separately, I just don’t believe in it. To me that is a cop-out. That is shutting down the conversation because for some reason you are scared. It is like when I used to identify as atheist because I knew if I said that when someone tried to talk to me about spirituality the conversation would die and I wanted it to die because spirituality was a scary place for me for a long time. My question is WHY? What stops you from believing it? What is holding you back? What are you unsure of?

If you do not believe in equal rights then say that, say I do not believe in equal rights that way we know where you stand. But to say I don’t believe in feminism without a reason is just putting the movement back and that is not doing gender minorities any favors I can tell you that. Saying I don’t believe in feminism is like saying I don’t believe that Black Lives Matter. Saying I don’t identify with the feminist movement is like saying I don’t identify with the civil rights movement, or the LGBTQ+ movement, or any other social justice movement.

Understand this: Being feminist is not about being better than anyone else, it is not about excluding anyone, it is not about hating anyone. It is about equality and the very fact that feminism is still considered a bad/dirty/scary/negative word to some people proves that the patriarchy is alive and well.

Now more than ever it is IMPERATIVE that you stand up for what you believe. That you openly identify with those beliefs. WE NEED YOUR HELP. If nothing else, please do me this favor, do the movement this favor.. If you can’t get past the label for whatever your reason maybe 1. Please reconsider and 2. Please do not renounce feminism. We are trying to change the world and make it safe for all people, every time you renounce us you are setting back time. Please,please, please if you can’t get past the label at least find it in your heart to be our ally. And as our ally please do not do or say anything that would negatively impact the positive work we are striving towards.

If my passionate advocating has not convinced you, give me one last chance: here are a bunch or celebrity feminists who get it, maybe they will change your mind. I mean who doesn’t love Will Smith?

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Shine a Light

This morning hubs and I woke early. Truth be told I don’t think I was ever fully asleep. I went to bed earlyish last night because I realized with the direction the vote was going in there would be a good chance I would not sleep at all if I heard the results before bed. This measure to protect myself from bad news and attempt to get a sound nights rest was somewhat futile unfortunately.

So we woke up this morning with the anticipation of two children on Christmas morning only this was not a joyous anticipation.. It was the anticipation of two children who knew they would not be receiving gifts this Christmas but hoped against hope that by some miracle Santa had come and delivered presents to their home. I am sad to report that Santa did not visit America this election season. There were no overnight miracles just the sad sinking in of our new reality. A reality that many of us, myself and hubs included, are not ready to see.

You want to see what forcing an idealist to come to terms with reality looks like? I started my day in tears. I cried for myself, I cried for my future children, I cried for every single person in my country and in the world who has even more reason to mourn today than I do. I have certain amount of privilege that will insulate me from any havoc this new reality may wreak, I know many who have far more reason than I to cry this morning.

So I gave myself space this morning to have my reaction. My hubs had his as well and we supported one another through it. There were a lot of unanswerable questions. There was a lot of reassuring. There were lots and lots of hugs and snuggles.

The truth is I didn’t really want to get out of bed. It was hard to find the motivation. I wanted to stay in that negative frame of mind and dwell.. Then I was scrolling through the mournful reactions of my friends on social media I saw something that reminded me of my truth..

shine-your-light

My whole perspective changed in that moment and I remembered who I am and what my life purpose is. I am a badass idealist who sees what can be not what is. I am a light in dark places and sometimes “the real world” can be a very dark scary place. Yes, I got dropped kicked in the face by reality this morning and yes for a moment I felt shattered. What the outcome of the election has showed me though is right now my light is needed.

There is a reason there has been so much negative energy brewing lately and a lot of us, again myself included, thought that after election day that energy would finally clear.. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. That doesn’t change me or my life mission though. I could not feel stronger in my resolve as an idealist in this moment.

Martin Luther King Jr, Gandhi, Bernie Sanders, John Lennon, Rosa Parks.. All of the heroes of the world who stood up for something bigger than themselves were idealists! They saw beyond what was to what could be. They believed in the goodness of the human spirit and what the world is capable of through love. They shined their lights so bright the world could not ignore them.

So today take your moment. Mourn, or celebrate if this is not a sad occasion for you, or get angry.. Do whatever you need to do for you then go out and be a light for others. Show our brothers and sisters your humanness, your ability to love, and to meet negative energy with pure kindness and compassion. Be example. Shine so bright that it is lights up the dark and blinds those whose lights are turned down.

While I was in the shower thinking about all of this and meditating on my truth and my own mission in life I started singing. Without realizing it at first I was singing a song from my childhood.. When I was little, 6 or 7 I think, Disney came out with Polly. It it a favorite movie from my childhood, it bestowed on me valuable lessons. My gift to anyone reading this is this song from the movie… Now go out and shine your light today. Be the reason someone does not lose hope today. Help remind the world what love feels like. It is time we turn up our light.

Seriously, You Need To Stop Talking

seriously

Last night I went to class early to work on a project with a friend/classmate. I was running late because I spent the entire day doing research so I threw on a day dress, a pair of earrings, my shoes and then I grabbed my school bag and printed documents and ran out the door.

I got to school on time to meet my friend and we worked together on our project. We were bonding over a conversation about a social justice topic when our classmate walked by. He walked over so we paused our conversation to say hello. Before even saying hi to me he said, are you OK? You look sick. Ugh, here we go.. I’m not sick I just didn’t wear make up today. I really wanted to end that sentence with YOU ASS but I refrained. He continued, no that’s not it, you look stressed or something. Really? Does this conversation really need to continue? No. I’m fine, you have never seen me without make up, this is what my face looks like. He said, if you say so and walked off to meet with some classmates.

I let this annoyance roll off my back and went back to the conversation I was enjoying with my friend.

An hour or so later class started and 2 hours after that class ended. When leaving class my friend and I were walking down the hall with the classmate that had such deep concern for my well being to the point that he just could not let it go. Again he asked, are you sure you are OK? You look tired.  WOW. Apparently my face caused a real disturbance for him. How many different ways do I have to put this for him to get it? I told him again I was fine and tried to drop it.

The problem was my obvious frustration with him apparently validated his hunch that something was wrong with me because he latched on to my annoyance and continued with, see you are stressed. Yeah with you! Stop commenting on my f-ing appearance!

Luckily we turned the corner and met up with a few other classmates so I was able to put some distance between us.

The whole thing is such crap. At first I felt like I had to make an excuse for why I wasn’t wearing make-up like “oh my allergies were acting up” or “I was running late and didn’t have time”. But that is ridiculous. I do not have to wear make up and whether I choose to or not what right does anyone have to comment on it?

I came home and told Todd and he laughed (at my classmate’s cluelessness) and then asked me if I was going to survive the semester with him. I just don’t know. But what choice do I have? This is the same person who thinks it’s okay to use “ism” language with friends and that sexism does not exist in the business world and who asked me the second night of class if I was a “feminazi”. Right, because standing up for equality is the same as committing genocide. I have to challenge the nonsense that falls out of his mouth at least once a week. It is exhausting. Not to mention that I have to be careful that when I do so I am nice and do not bruise his delicate male ego because ultimately I have to work with him all semester long. Joy.

As exhausting as it is though it is maybe good in a way, for me at least. He challenges me to be assertive, to find ways to successfully work with people who, for me, are difficult to work with, to educate and advocate and to try to see things from another person’s perspective who I do not at all agree with.

I know I have written a few posts now that touch on my frustrations with this person but we still work together rather well on projects. I think a big part of that is being able to put our differences aside and appreciate what the other person brings to the table, he has strengths just like everyone else. I cannot ignore the things he says that offend me but I do not have to let that define what i think of him either. There is more to this person than just that and I know better.

I am not going to lie though sometimes, like when it comes to make make-up-less face, I do wish he would just STOP TALKING.

Language Matters

I have been writing this post in my head for about three weeks now and I decided it was time I put pen to paper before it got any bigger. Forewarning this post is going to contain a few links as points of reference.

In a previous post, The Wet Blanket, towards the end of the post I mentioned an assignment about baseball that I was working on with a few other class members. When discussing the assignment in the post I brought up concerns I had around sexism, what I left out were concerns I had surrounding other “isms”.

The worksheet we were collaborating on asked a question about how the players were picked, in reference to baseball players who play professionally. The members of my group wanted to answer the question by saying the best players from around the nation are recruited. WRONG. I saw that as a classist answer. I explained to my group that we cannot use the word “best” because we can not say definitively that the players chosen are in fact “the best”. My group did not agree with me. I continued to explain that what if the best basketball player to ever live dropped out of school at 16 to start working and help his family afford their bills? Not everyone has the same access because of socioeconomic status therefore we cannot say definitively that those who play MLB are the “best”. This should help explain how ended up with the nickname Wet Blanket in this group. The point I was trying to make when challenging my group on this particular answer was language matters.

That class was the original birth place of this post that has gained momentum since then.

In another class a group assignment was given where we, as a group, have to present on the topic of disability. Our goal is to help the class to become culturally competent when engaging with individuals from this population. The professor asked that we do independent research to become versed on our topic outside of the information available to us in the book. In doing so he actually recommended that we look on the internet for articles and not just at peer-reviewed articles.I was surprised and delighted to hear this. Normally any research conducted has to come from peer-reviewed sources and while I actually enjoy reading journal articles I knew just the place to look for articles on the internet.

One of my favorite go-to places for interesting articles is Everyday Feminism, I have referenced this site before when writing posts about social justice issues, it is one of my favorite online resources. So I started searching for articles that I thought might be relevant and thought provoking, they had many to choose from. One of the articles I chose illustrates how oppressive ableist language is, it can be read in its entirety here.

I shared this article and another that I liked with my group members via email and then last night after class three of us had the opportunity to discuss the content. Coincidentally all three of us worked on the baseball assignment together as well in the other class. Myself and another group member who read the article discussed how pervasive ableist language is in everyday conversation in America. The third group member then made a comment about how he thinks it is okay when you are hanging out with friends but not around other people who could be hurt by it. WRONG. I explained that ableist language is no different than sexist, racist or homophobic language. He tried to defend his side further by stating that what you say with your friends is different than what you say in front of other people. He ended by saying don’t you think? I explained that personally I do not agree and our other group member then chimed in and said that is how this type of language becomes acceptable in the first place is because of attitudes like that. I was grateful for her input, it is exhausting being the only voice of opposition sometimes.

This morning I was researching blockers for a case study on a transgender child I am working on. While immersed in my work I stumbled upon another great article that is titled The Power of Language. It speaks directly to what my classmate was talking about last night. Language seeped in “isms” is always hurtful even when you’re just talking with friends and this person’s story outlines that perfectly.

Moms Deserve MORE!

maternity leave

This post is so much bigger than me, I am not even sure it is wise for me to weigh in on the topic. This is one of those times I feel it is important to set up the disclaimer what I am about to write are strictly my own opinions.

Yesterday we were at my parent’s house and Todd was watching John Oliver’s show on HBO while my parents and I were playing scrabble. We were listening to the show while we played. John Oliver was talking about how behind the times our country is in terms of maternity benefits for mothers and this started a conversation.

John Oliver highlighted a story of a woman who had one month for maternity leave but then went into premature labor. Because her baby was born early it had to stay in the hospital for a period of time before being able to go home. The mother was then left with an agonizing decision to either take her maternity leave at present to be with her baby while it is in the NICU knowing that she could use up her leave before the baby ever comes home or wait to take her maternity leave until her baby is released from the hospital. She chose the latter which meant she had her baby on a Wednesday and returned to work the next Monday. The mother explained the guilt she felt leaving her baby, only being able to visit in the evenings after work and how difficult it was for her to focus at work because of the whole ordeal. Motherhood is made out to be this wondrous time in a woman’s life but for this woman, the start of motherhood at least, sounded devastating. That’s not right.

When the story was over I looked around and realized my parents and I had stopped playing scrabble a while ago. All three of us were glued to the TV. Todd made a comment about how messed up the story was and this prompted me to share my friend’s story.

My friend works for the same hospital I used to work for. I enjoyed working for that company more than any other company I have ever worked for. They take great care of their employees, their is a clear standard of professionalism and in my experience people cared about the work they did. There were a few issues though and one of the big ones related to the terrible benefits. You can barely call them benefits really. When a person has to pay for having Christmas off out of their own vacation time it is not much of a benefit. I get that there are some companies that don’t offer paid holidays but those companies are usually upfront about that and say, Hey by the way we don’t pay for holidays or Hey you have to work on Christmas. This company would have you believe they pay for holidays, Um no, the employee does.

The way it works is sick time, vacation time, maternity leave, holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years.. all of them), personal time, all come out of the same pot. Time off is time off no matter how you use it. Of course like most companies though you only get so much time off in a year so you better hope you don’t fall ill too much in a year or you may not get to take that summer vacation or worse you may not get paid for the Christmas holiday even though the office is closed and you cannot work that day anyway. A few other important points to understand,

1. PTO (paid time off) does not roll over year to year with this company so you have to use or lose it.
2. You are not given PTO at the beginning of each new year, you have to earn it. – When I first heard this I actually thought it was fair, you get like 1 hour of PTO for every X amount of hours you work. – Where you get screwed though is at the beginning of the new year. For example January 1, a holiday in most countries, the office is closed but you do not get paid for this holiday because it is the beginning of a new year and you have not worked enough hours to have any PTO. Not to mention what if you want to take vacation at the beginning of the year? You haven’t worked enough to have vacation time. And you better hope you don’t get sick in the first few months of the year because you don’t have sick time saved up yet either. Pretty messed up right?

Back to my friend’s story. She made the colossal mistake of having a baby towards the beginning of the year. I mean what was she thinking, right? This is poor planning on her part, no reason the company should accommodate her in anyway. She had some PTO saved up but not much. She had a choice, take a very brief leave of absence for maternity leave and get paid, or take a longer maternity leave (approx 2-3 months) and go unpaid for a period of time. She chose to take a longer maternity leave. My friend was fortunate to even have an option because her significant other made enough money to support them while she did not have income.

Here are just a few of the factors that influenced her decision:

1. She had no real help with her baby after it was born. Most of the people in her support system work so she was almost solely responsible for taking care of the baby, which is probably the experience of a lot of women.

2. Once she went back to work she knew her baby had to go into a paid daycare. This meant:

A. That it would cost her and her significant other more for her to be working because of the cost of daycare so it made more since for her to be home longer and save that money. To be clear, even though she wasn’t working it still saved them some money because day care is so expensive.
B. She would have to hand her infant over to a paid care giver (who is not family) for the majority of the day while she was at work 5 days a week. She was in no rush to do that either. Talk about guilt.

3. She was breast feeding. Pumping while at work was not an option for her because of the kind of job she has.

So she got a few months to breast feed regularly, save some money even though she had none coming in and bond with her new born before she had to turn it over to strangers essentially and go back to work. I swear it about killed her. But hey, at least she got that time off right? Some women don’t get that. If that is the upside to this whole situation then WTF? Seriously.

So, here is the real kicker though. My friend is insured through her employer, the hospital. Her insurance covers her, her other child who was a toddler at the time and her infant. A certain portion of her pay check is held out each pay period and that pays for her health, dental etc. Because she was not making a paycheck for a period of time when she did finally return to work she actually owed her employer money! The hospital was nice enough to let her use her health insurance to take her new born to the necessary doctors appointments etc even though at the time she technically was not getting paid but when she returned to work this left her in a deficit and she did not receive a pay check for the first few pay periods until her employer was paid back for the health insurance she had used.

These were her options if she wanted to have more than a few weeks for maternity leave. And again she was fortunate to even have options, some women would not have an option to not receive a pay check and would have to go right back to work. I ask again, how can you really call this way of doing things a benefit? My friend certainly did not benefit from the company PTO program. Maybe it is better than nothing but better than nothing does not necessarily constitute being called a benefit. Not in my eyes at least.

I’ve shared my concerns about this companies benefits with Todd before because even with all this being said I have considered them an option for future employment. I am fortunate enough to be covered under Todd’s insurance which means I won’t have to use the hospital’s insurance but there is no getting away from the awful PTO “benefits”. We agreed if I do find myself working for this company in the future while pregnant we will do what is right for our family, like my friend did.

So after John Oliver finished up the story about the woman with the baby in NICU he went into another story that illustrated our lack of compassion for new mothers/parents. Ironically the next story had to with major league baseball, wasn’t I just calling out sexism in that organization a post or two ago?

Apparently the MLB has a paid paternity leave that gives a new father 3 days off after the arrival of a new baby/child. (notice I said arrival of a baby/child, not all families receive babies/children by going to the hospital and giving birth. Some adopt. I just think it is important to keep this kind of thing in mind when talking about maternity/paternity leave and the rights of new parents.)

Now before I continue I want to be clear that I have done zero research into this story, I am parroting what I heard on John Oliver’s show and I could be dealing with some misinformation. What I will say is this, my opinions are based on the story I heard and could stand to change if I came across further information that disputes any part of the story.

As I was explaining, apparently the MLB gives 3 days of PTO to new fathers as their form of paternity leave. As John Oilver reports it though very few baseball players actually use their paternity leave. In this case though a player did choose to use his paternity leave benefit to be home with his wife and new born and this caused him to miss two games at the beginning of the season. As a result of this decision he received some major back lash. People were angry with him for his decision, which in my opinion is offensive enough, but in one case an announcer or sportscaster ( I have know idea what this man’s actual title was, I just know he was someone with a voice in the industry) actually suggested that the player’s wife should have scheduled a c-section and given birth before the season started.

Um ma’am, your medical condition interferes with our baseball game, could you maybe surgically rip your baby from the womb a week early even though there is no medical reason to do so that way your husband can play with us?

So I guess baseball is more important than the integrity of human life? No, no, it’s totally cool.. Put mother and infant at risk through a completely unnecessary surgery so the boys can play their game. Once again people of society some how think they have a right to tell a woman what to do with her own body. Yeah, that NEVER gets old.

I know I went all angry feminist on this post but this is something to feel angry about. It is ridiculous to me that this is so many women’s lived reality in a country that prides itself on being a world leader.

For more information about our total failure in terms of paid maternity leave compare to other nations check out this ARTICLE . The graph will blow your mind. Get it together America, you are embarrassing yourself.

Can I have Nothing for Myself??

hair

I went on Pinterest to find a photo or quote that seemed appropriate for this post and as furious as this particular photo/quote made me it is pretty perfect actually for what I am about to share.

Let’s get a few things clear before I even share my story, this photo and what it represents is complete and utter bullshit. When I cut my hair off it was for me. It was not an act of defiance, dissatisfaction or despair because despite what this photo would have someone believe women are not all emotionally unstable creatures who make every decision with men in mind. Utter bullshit.

I got my hair cut today. The only thing I do not love about having a pixie cut is having to get it cut every 6-8 weeks. It isn’t having to get it cut that actually bothers me either, it’s a quick trim and I’m out the door, it is the draining interactions with salon staff that makes the experience a dread.

I do not have a set stylist, I haven’t for years. My friend David was my stylist and he was phenomenal. He moved away and right around that same time I stopped coloring my hair so I no longer needed someone I trusted on that level because I was not keeping up with a dye job. When it comes to getting my hair cut I am pretty trusting, I have never had a cut that I couldn’t make work, even if it wasn’t what I was originally expecting.. I’m pretty low maintenance and easy to please.

So I go to one of two local chain salons near our home and sit with whomever is available, it’s fast, it’s cheap and I am on my way.

Every stylist I have had since cutting off all my hair has been very complimentary of my cut, “Oh I love your style it’s so bold” or “It suits you” etc. When I hear things like this from a new stylist I always have hope, OK good maybe this time will be different. It never is though.

Today was my fourth cut since the initial hair appointment when I went short. Today was the fourth time I was asked about how my husband handled the cut or what he thought or if he approved. I am not kidding one time the stylist asked if “he approved”. Um? What? My answer is always the same, he wasn’t involved in the decision or he didn’t have a say, my hair not his.

I am SO over this exchange. For the record Todd was very supportive of my decision and it has not changed how he looks at me, not that I was in anyway concerned about that. I did not realize how truly hung up our society was on norms for beauty and gender roles/expectations until I unwittingly challenged one of those norms.

The stylist who originally cut my hair was so nervous, the hair appointment took way longer than it should have because she was being so cautious about how much she cut. She cut my hair into a bob when I showed her 3 photos of the pixie cut I wanted and asked what I thought. Shorter I said. This happened three or four times. She would cut a few more inches and check in, shorter. And again, shorter. And again, shorter. She even asked me at one point if I don’t care that much about my hair, or something like that, and I was like, I love my hair. I love it, I just want it short. I literally had to tell her that my self worth and sense of beauty is not wrapped up in my hair.

I have never felt more myself or more beautiful in terms of my style. I love this cut and it has nothing to do with whether or not Todd approves or the validation or lack of validation I receive from the outside world. I have wanted a pixie for years and the truth is I never had the guts. I should have done this years ago, I love it.

I appreciate that I married someone who understands that somethings are for me, like what I wear and how I style my hair. The way I speak and what moves me.

I hate that not one stylist I have sat for has asked me how my hair cut makes me feel, it is always about what my husband thinks. How is that anyone’s business anyway? I just don’t get it.

I would never tell Todd to shave or not shave, to cut his hair a certain way, or anything else that would make him feel like his decisions about his body and how he wants to present himself belong to anyone other than himself. So why are people making me feel like his opinion on my appearance is more important than my own?