Sovereignty

Tomorrow is my interview. This interview feels like the thing I have been holding out for. I cannot explain why that feels true, it is just a feeling.. A knowing.

I have been riding a major wave of anxiety leading up to this interview and today was the crescendo. I thought my anxiety was rooted in a fear of failure, ie: screwing up in the interview or not being what they want. Now I am realizing it has less to do with that, although yes that is a piece of it, and more to do with the bigger picture.

The bigger picture being my expectations for this position and how high I have allowed my hopes to get. The bigger picture being not my fear of failure in the interview but my fear that this job will be everything I want at this moment in my life and somehow I will ruin this for myself. The bigger picture being my fear of success.

I have mentioned before I have a fear of my own greatness. It is scary to say out loud the things that you want. It is scary to allow yourself to be seen and be heard and try to fly when you still unsure if your wings will hold you.

Here is my truth:

I not only want to get this job, I want this job to be everything I am hoping it will be. I want to set my expectations high and have them met. I want this to be the learning experience I need. I want to feel fulfilled by the work and know that I am growing. I want to be successful.

I emailed one of my soul friends today who has had some recent experiences with taking big chances professionally and asked her to lend me some courage. Oh man did she deliver! I guess it is because she has some to spare, this girl has been my inspiration in terms of bravery in recent years.

Then because I felt the desperate need to be in control of something in my life I cleaned my entire house. The bathrooms, the laundry, the kitchen, the floors, dusting, outdoor work, redecorating.. I did it all today. I was a total Susie-homemaker. It did help to give that nervous energy a place to go as well as regain a sense of control over my life for a moment.

When I finished I grabbed some of my self-care tools: my Mother’s Wisdom deck, my Self-Care deck, my sage.. I lit my sage and pulled a card from each.

From the self-care deck I pulled Peace: “Embrace your confusion. Let their be peace in not knowing all of the answers”.

I felt like that was aimed at my controlling piece who is clearly struggling right now when so much is out of my hands.

Will this position live up to my expectations? Will I still be interested even if it does not? Will they want me? Can I do this? Am I ready?

There are no answers for these questions right now so I have to step back from my need to control and let myself experience peace. I recently did a few different guided meditations around water.. the ocean and a river.. both had the same message of surrender. Don’t fight the crashing waves. Don’t try to fight against the current. Instead, allow the water to carry you and trust that you will not be pulled under, trust that you will float and the water will take you where you are meant to go.

Message recieved.

From the Mother’s Wisdom deck I pulled Queen Victoria: Sovereignty. Whose shadow is dependency.

I have to just say, as an aside, I love that this desk not only outlines the meaning of the card you pulled but also the shadow piece that goes along with it. Sometimes what we are experiencing is the shadow and it helps to have that piece included. The description of this card said it all:

To feel whole, one must have dominion over oneself. Drawing sovereignty indicates a hunger to determine the course of your own life. In taking up the mantle of sovereignty – making decision for yourself- you risk exposing yourself to the criticism of others. Do not be deterred. What makes you unique is inviolable. Sovereignty begets acceptance. When we embrace ourselves as we are, we accede to our rightful majesty.

A big piece of my fear pf failure and fear of success has to do with the fact that in this position I am responsible for myself. I would be my own boss, the agency would be contracting me for my services. Do I really believe I can do this?

Sovereignty begets acceptance. When we embrace ourselves as we are, we accede to our rightful majesty.

The only person I have to convince that I am ready for this is me. I have always been my biggest critic and even though I have moved towards a place of nurturing and self-love that does not mean that all of my shadows have been silenced. I still have a long road ahead of me on my personal path of love and healing.

But yes, I do believe I can do this. Not only that, I believe I deserve this!

That’s right I said it.

I believe that I deserve everything that I wish for in this life and so far I have gotten it. I will see my dreams come true in this area as well because I have the power to do that for myself.

After I drew my cards I sat with the feelings that came up and saged myself to release anything that needed to be released.

I am feeling much more grounded and ready for this interview tomorrow.

I release all the messages of doubt and criticism in this moment. They are not my truth and they do not serve me. I give these messages back to those whom they came from. They do not belong to me and I will no longer allow them to call my body home.

I believe that tomorrow will work out exactly as it is meant to. I will stop swimming against the current and allow myself to be carried. I trust that I will arrive where I am meant to be.

When I was looking for an image to go with this post this is the second image that came up and as 2 is my number I clicked on it to see if it fit..

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I am powerful. This was the exact message I needed today and I got it. I got it from my soul friend, I got it from the cards I pulled, I got it in so many ways. Most importantly I am able to say this to myself and know it is true.

 

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Collective Consciousness

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This has been a hard week for many. I thought to end that sentence with “in my country” but the truth is, the difficulty and struggle and pain being felt goes beyond the land mass I live on – far beyond in fact. Human suffering is far reaching, it is a universal language we all speak; if only more people recognized that sad truth and had any inclination to do something about it.

I walked through this week with my set intention of “shine your light for all to see, be an example of love”. It helped me while I was out in the world, I even saw the positive ripple effect which warmed my heart.. At home I struggled silently. I woke each morning and cried during my morning meditation. The words and thoughts that would come up for me about balance, and feeling grounded, and sending my spirit out with the intention of light and love each day ¬†felt coated in a melancholic residue. I have allowed myself to sit with this, I have not tried to push past it or numb it out. I am mourning, we all are, and this pain must be felt. It means something, it must not be ignored. This pain, this heaviness, this burden, from it will come beautiful beginnings but only if we give into it fully first.

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This Sunday I have been invited to a meditation circle where we will process our feelings about the election and then meditate with the intention to “send out peace to all”. After our meditation we will close with a drum circle. I am thankful, wholeheartedly thankful, to have this outlet. All I want in this dark time is to mourn and send out light, this space will allow for both.

This morning when I woke up I found that I have also been invited to another gathering that will be processing the events of the week as well. I am unfortunately not available to attend because of my first engagement but my heart felt so full when I began to realize that collectively we are doing this. We are coming together, not fracturing apart. People are gathering to process, and to collaborate, and to ultimately raise our collective consciousness. I say that last part about raising the collective consciousness because that is what happens when we come together in this way, that positive energy flows out and offsets the imbalance we have all been experiencing. This is what I have been talking about all along about turning up your light, and not meeting fire with fire, etc. This is what it actually looks like, it starts small with one person, then grows to small groups of people coming together, and from there it continues to grow until that light shines so bright it cannot be ignored.

Martin Luther King Jr. did not single handedly change the course of American history, but the movement did. The same is true of everyone else I mentioned in my last post. These people did not create change alone, it was the movement, the collective. But these people, they were the spark.

Tonight I am meeting my girlfriends from the program, in light of the events of the week we have decided to go to dinner rather than downtown – no one had the energy for celebrating in that way. With having a dinner it will allow us to have a conversation and undoubtedly sparks will fly. In a few weeks I will meet with my mentor and two other friends from the program to process and undoubtedly sparks will fly. These sparks we create are what light the flame, they are the light that will balance the darkness. The more we send this energy out the more we will feel the collective consciousness rise.

So gather, collaborate, process, meditate, sing, dance, cry, paint.. Do whatever it is you do to bring peace, to create sparks, to shine your light so bright IT CANNOT BE IGNORED.

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Standing Up for What You Believe In

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Saturday a presidential candidate who has been garnering much media attention will be holding a rally locally and the venue chosen just happened to be my university. I personally find this to be unfortunate because much of what I have heard from him sounds xenophobic, sexist, racist, and generally hateful fear mongering. With that being said, it appears there are plenty of people who do not share my view of him that plan to attend this event in support of the candidate. Such is their right.

One of my colleagues in the program shared a link to a peaceful protest that is being organized on campus Saturday against the candidate and in one day more 2,ooo people expressed and interest in going, myself included.

When my colleague first shared the link I was kind of excited by the proposition of a peaceful protest where I could stand with like minded people against all of these things I feel so strongly against. Throughout the course of the day though as the movement gained popularity I started to feel the idea of peaceful protest was beginning to devolve into something that felt too close to what I wanted to stand up against. I am hoping I am wrong about this but either way what I was seeing posted on the page was enough to make up my mind for me.

I understand the frustration that so many people are feeling, I feel it too but historically meeting hate with hate has never solved anything. There is nothing peaceful about some of what I am seeing being proposed and while I am sure the actions of a few are not representative of the many who truly do want to hold a peaceful protest, I started thinking there has to be another way to stand up for what I believe in a way that feels right to me.

Next Saturday Todd and I are attending a Bernie event downtown so we have decided that we will donate to his campaign while there and see how we can possibly get more involved locally with a candidate we do support rather than one we do not.

I fully support my friends and family who plan to attend the protest, I hope they are able to stand up for love and acceptance both peacefully and safely. I look forward to hearing all about it after and for myself I will put my energy into what feels right for me.

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