Don’t Drink the Water

I often have a cup of tea when I am creating, particularly when I paint, and this is tricky.

I have definitely put my dirty paint water mug up to my lips before and just barely stopped short of drinking paint water thinking it was tea. So naturally when I saw this today I laughed out loud.

dont drink the water

This is an awesome idea but let’s be real this would make zero difference for me. My power of observation is so poor it would still be a crap shoot even with properly labeled mugs. I mean, the paint mug I use is this ugly dark green plastic camping mug, it looks and feels nothing like my tea cups and I have still had a few close calls.

Something else I saw that I totally responded to was this:

doubt

This is so a thing it is unreal! haha.

This was my inner dialogue today when I was sitting on my floor cushion piecing together my wreath:

Yeah.. I got something here, this is cool as hell.

Wait.. That’s not quite right. Shit The glue already dried. Shit. Fuck.

What the fuck am I doing? This is crap. Absolute crap. Dammit!

Okay, now wait a second.. If I just.. Okay, okay, that’s better.

Hell yeah man. Not bad girl. You got this.

The creative process is literally just one long sequence of celebration, cursing, self-doubt, and euphoria. It is a confusing awesome roller coaster that I never get sick of riding.

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I Don’t Like Letters in My Numbers

math

Let me start by saying math is the absolute worst. It is a form of torture so awful I would not wish it on anyone. And my math teachers lied, I have never used algebra “in the real world”.

As I was writing all of that I totally heard my husband’s voice in my head negating all of it.

No it’s not, math is the best. You’re just whining, try harder. I use algebra all the time.

For context, my husband is an engineer who loves math. Loves it, the weirdo.

So much so in fact that he reads math text books for fun and stays late at work to teach himself math and watches free Harvard math videos online before bed.

Last night I was not feeling good (I have a cold) so I took some Nyquil and decided not to read my books (right now I am rereading Couplehood by Paul Reiser because it is hilarious, the third and final book in my Thickety series, and one of the Humans of New York compilations because it restores my faith in humanity after social working all day).

So I was laying in bed awake but resting when my husband crawled in. I didn’t feel like reading but the Nyquil hadn’t kicked in yet so I told him I would watch whatever video he was getting ready to start. It was a three part lecture series on probability.

Needless to say I now know the different between traditional probability definitions, empirical probability definitions, and subjective probability definitions. It also helped me fall asleep because the second he introduced letters into the numbers I mentally checked out and fell asleep.

Thom Yorke and the Hiccups

radiohead

I was writing while the TV babbled in the background. Hubs was watching something violent and I was actively tuning it out. Then I heard something familiar.. Pack and get dressed before your father hears us..

I started singing along. I got to my favorite part of the song, We hope that you HICCUP!!

It wasn’t a hiccup as much as a screaming explosion of noise that startled not only myself but hubs and Lu as well. Then we all laughed. Well, Lu would have laughed if dogs could.

Then I started thinking, what if that happened to Thom Yorke in the middle of the concert? Reckoner you can’t take it with you dancing for HICCUP! How funny would that be?

It made me think of the painful humaness we all are subject to, even famous people. None of us can escape it. We all hiccup and fart and have to go pee at seriously inopportune moments. We all get sick and experience loss and get super embarrassed at times.

If I ever met someone famous, like Thom Yorke or Tim Gunn or Stevie Nicks, that is what I want to ask. Tell me something human. Tell me something I can relate to. Tell me what you are afraid of or something embarrassing that happened. Show me how we are the same.

Here is one of mine as far as embarrassing stories go:

One of my jobs out of high school was as a teller at a bank. I was helping a client in the drive thru banking lanes and she had her poodle in the car with her. When I was finished processing her transaction I sent out her receipt with a dog biscuit. We always had dog biscuits and lollipops on hand for pets and kids (although let’s be real, the adults ate more of candy than kids ever did). After she received the plastic tube with her receipt she rang the bell to get my attention. I responded to ask if there was anything else I could help her with. She then asked what the dog biscuit was for. I told her it was for her dog and just then a frizzy/curly haired teenage girl leaned forward in the front seat revealing there was no poodle. The woman then said that’s not my dog, it is my daughter. I was MORTIFIED! Luckily both the woman and her daughter thought it was hilarious. That was such a gift, the fact that they were cool and able to laugh about it. Seriously.

It is fun to be reminded of our flawed humanness sometimes. Whenever I start doing real well the universe inevitably smacks me upside the head and reminds me to Take it easy dude, you’re still only human.

Philosophizing with My Husband

jurassic

Hubs and I were sitting on the couch eating vegan ice cream tonight, watching the final installation of The Hobbit series when something occurred to me.

I don’t like the last movie in the series as much as the others in the series because it is all centered around the battle which does not interest me. I do not like war movies, I don’t like action movies with too much violence, I don’t like “epic battle scenes”. I am not interested.

As we were watching it occurred to me that in these movies the cast is primarily male. I then turned to my husband and said You know that if women ruled the world there would be no war, right?

He bit on my line and next thing I knew we were debating this theory.

Hub’s theory about my claim is that because of human tendency towards greed and because of both the perception and reality of scarcity on our planet even with female world leaders there would be war. His counter claim was that “it would only be a matter of time before someone did not have enough resources and decided to take from someone else”. He related greed and this action of “taking” back to evolution and survival of the fittest.

I disagreed. My rebuttal was that if we are talking about evolution then we have to look at woman’s role in society from an evolutionary stand point. Women have never been takers. Women, historically, have never been in a role of power to even have the opportunity to be takers. Women are givers. Nurturing, maternal, givers. My thoughts are that if women ruled the world there would be more compromise, more cooperation across the globe. Instead of taking from others in times of scarcity women leaders would look to their allies for help and help would be given.

Hubs then followed my theory but punched a whole in it saying that just because women are in power across the world does not mean that men vanish. If men are takers they would still be taking even if they were not in a leadership position. The actions of men, based on his proposal, would then force the female leader’s hands into conflict and war.

To this I simply quoted my husband’s favorite author: It appears that Mr. Crichton had it right then, “Dinosaurs eat man, woman inherits the earth”.

It is the only way to live in peace.

Hermit So Hard

ice-cream

I emailed my soul friend today because lately I have been in a place mentaly/emotionally where I am congratulating myself for managing to comb my hair at least once during teh course of the day.

I am in the land of zero fucks given and I needed someone to validate for me that I am not a failure as a human and that we all go through the I-just-want-to-stay-braless-in-my-pajamas-eating-ice-cream-on-the-couch-and-watching-bad-tv-for-a-month-and-not-see-another-human-except-for-my-husband-and-only-because-he-lives-here-not-because-I-actually-want-to phase.

I have been in and out of a funk most of this year so I was reluctant to get on here and write about it because I am sure you guys are sick of hearing about it. I don’t feel like I have had enough posts about gratitude and goodness to balance my mega-funk so I figured I would just not write for a little while until the ice cream works its healing magic.

Of course the decision to not write only amplifies my funk because writing is what I do.

So I have been walking around for days just wanting kick cans and make nasty faces at strangers for no reason other than I am mad I have to see them and I am not home on my couch. And I have been deliberating torturing myself by not allowing myself to write because clearly I am some kind of emotional masochist.

Really I was just trying to shelter you all from ALL OF THIS. Because it’s not pretty folks.

One thing I always struggle with when I am feeling particularly wretched like this is the tendency to compare myself and my feelings with the lives of others I see around me. I look at the outside shell of this person’s life or that person’s life and they are looking beautiful and having a great time and managing to dress themselves in clothes that are ironed and stainless. Meanwhile I am over here sitting in my t-shirt and underwear at 4pm because apparently putting on pants was just asking too much of me today.

So here are a few things I realized while on my latest feed-me-and-leave-me-alone-until-I-say-so funk:

  1. I need to be writing about this. This is real. This is not my highlight reel. I absolutely have my moments of zen and gratitude AND I have my moments where I am a shut in who doesn’t shower for an entire weekend. That is my truth.
  2. I am realizing that maybe other people’s highlight reels are not such a bad thing. What if we all just decided to be 100% about everything all the time? No Thank You! The world would be 100 times more overwhelming if everyone decided to just be super honest about how messed up life can be and how tired they are and that they hate their spouse’s cooking. The world is already a loud, scary, angry place sometimes – the high light reel (although only one piece of the whole picture) brings a balance to all that stuff. I will be a bit more thankful from now on that people I don’t know too well are not burdening me with all their honesty and instead are just letting me see fun pictures of their kids.
  3. When it comes to my/our tendency to compare our lives to the lives of others maybe we should try doing that another way that is less emotionally destructive. Although I am not in the mood to do a single thing other than eat, complain, and mindlessly stare at the television, I did manage to reach out to a few of my girlfriends and one of my soul friends over the last few days. When I compared what I am feeling right now to them they were super awesome about it. They not only did not make me feel like I was burdening them with my funk; they gave me some awesome funkiness from their own lives to compare it to that made me feel way less crazy. They were honest and they were the ones I needed honesty from. When I asked Is it just me? The answer I received was a resounding Hell No Man! To which I let out an enormous sigh of relief and said Oh thank God!

That last one is real important I think. If you take nothing else away from this post, take that. Because for me the comparing my life thing really drove me further into my hole of funk but the comparing my funk to the way my friends experience their funks thing is what pulled me out. One of my friends shared her funk story with me and told me how she wanted to Hermit So Hard – which I totally related to (clearly). Another friend commiserated over how much time is wasted doing chores and that adulting totally blows at times. Another friend is in a crisis that is a bit more serious and I cannot even compare my bad mood to it.

They were honest though and as a result we were able to really be with each other. So after all of this I decided I would write after all because maybe it will make someone else feel better to know that sometimes asking me to put on pants is just asking too much. Hopefully the next time you are in a funk you will remember this post and either feel better because you know other people feel this way or you can tell yourself Well at least I had my shit together enough to put on pants and take a shower today. Because honey sometimes you have to celebrate the little things. Life is exhausting, am I right?!

Apparently I am a Witch?

So I am reading this new book I mentioned that my brother-in-law got me for Christmas and it is an adult fairy tale.

In the book there is a suspected witch, for the record she seems like a good witch not a wicked one. Anyway I am reading some of the descriptions of the “weird” stuff she does or “witchy” things found on her property and I had to laugh. If this is what constitutes a witch apparently I am a witch, by this story’s standards anyway.

It is things like stacking rocks. For the record they are called inukshuks and they are used as a marker to let travelers know they are not alone.

And things with bells. Bells in my pockets, bells glued to sticks, bells hanging from the tree in my front yard.. I love the joyous noise of bells and my house will always be a home with bells.

And oils and herbs. What is so witchy about that? They smell good and how else would you make tea?

And believing in magic, and having a relationship with nature no one understood, and just having a general energy about her.. Well shit, if the witchy shoe fits!

The list went on and on and I laughed.

Just yesterday my husband told me I was becoming more of a hippy everyday. Maybe he meant witchy?

witchy

Hooked on Books

The title may be cheesy but I like that it rhymes!

Last night I colored on the couch while hubs sat next to me listening to a podcast. No TV, no noise (for me at least), Sade was playing in the background, candles were lit.. It was the perfect introvert evening.

At bed time it began to rain. It was no normal rain though, it was forceful and urgent and unrelenting. While I was turning off the lights and locking up it hit me, Shit! My book is still in the car. My book had been sitting in the back seat next to Maddie while she, myself, and my mother were out running errands together yesterday. I completely forgot to bring it in. Now I was faced with a decision, do I run out in my night gown in the rain to retrieve it or do I go to bed without reading my book?.. One guess what choice was made.

So there I was hopping over fallen tree branches in the drive way, digging around in the back seat the car, soaking wet.. all over a book.

It was worth it. Last night’s chapter was action packed. By the way, I am no longer reading Being Mortal. I read the first few chapters and loved it but realized the over arching message of this book is not one that speaks to me right now. I put it down with the intention of coming back to it when the time feels right. Now I have moved on to a novel that was gifted to me by my brother-in-law at Christmas. It is a young adult work of fiction and as per usual it is essentially an adult fairy tale.

So when I came back in with my book tucked into my night gown, my feeble attempt to keep it dry in the pounding rain, dripping all over our entry rug I said to myself, you know you’re an avid reader when you will go through all that just to be able to read one chapter at bed time. Thus sprouted the inspiration for this post.. Here are some of my truths about being an avid reader, I know some of my friends who read this blog are avid readers as well, I would love to hear what some of your truths are.

You know you are an avid reader when..

-You start to get concerned if your stock pile of “books to read” falls below three unread books.
– You have no family photos on the shelves because you need the room for the books.
– You always have at least one book on your person at all times.
– There is always at least one book in your bedroom, usually on the night stand.
– You prefer books to flowers as a romantic gesture.
– Many of your conversations with friends or family involve books at some point or another.
– One of the highlights of your day is laying in bed with your husband at bedtime reading.
– You cannot go into a book store and spend less than an hour wandering or you cannot leave with just one item.
– You are currently reading more than one book.
– You read more than you watch TV/Movies.
– You have cried over the character’s in your books.
– Some social outings revolve around books (going to a cafe to read, let’s go on a picnic and read!, going to the bookstore)
– You have ever uttered the words The book was better. (Of course it was, it always is!)

books