Honoring the In-Between

in-between

I am sitting in the middle of a glorious in-between and I did not want to let this time slip by without showing it the appreciation it deserves.

The in-between is such a special place, it is a place where all things are possible. It is a place of both certainty and uncertainty. You know where you have been, you know what came before but there is no promise of what comes next, just hope.

We can become so focused on the getting there without truly acknowledging the beauty of the in-between.

In thinking of the in-between my mind is gravitating towards a client I had at the beginning of the year..

She was with me much longer than most. Towards the end she was struggling, she was in her own in-between and wanted desperately to arrive. I came in for my shift at the beginning of one week to discover she was gone. I was overjoyed. Good for her, she made it, something worked out, she is going to be okay now, she is on the path towards love and healing. It was the best way to start my day, I was on a cloud.

Then one of the other therapists came in and shared with me the details of the client’s discharge.. I was no longer in my hopeful in-between, I had arrived at the truth and started to descend from my cloud. My client had AWOL’d. More came out about possible human trafficking once she was on the street and a break from reality.

This is why it is so important not to overlook the in-between. Although this was hard for me to hear and reality can be cruel, for a moment I got to experience a different reality for this client wherein she was safe, and loved, and everything worked out as she had told me she wanted it to. For moment all things were good.

Reality is not important in the in-between, just hope. Hope lives its biggest life in the in-betweens.

So as I sit in all of my in-betweens right now I send the universe a note of gratitude.

Thank you for my in-between before soul camp, and before my new job, and before becoming pregnant, and before all the exciting plans I have made for this year. Right now all good and amazing things are possible. Reality will come and I welcome it too, but right now I get to have this magical time with hope and I am grateful.

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Basket of Dreams

basket of dreams

Some girls grow up with a hope chest. A chest filled with hopes and dreams for a future filled with love. I did not. No chest of hope for me. When I started the social work program 3 years ago I did have hope though, hopes and dreams of a future as a healer. I took those hopes and dreams and started filling a basket with them.

Over the years I have found pieces of a future I am trying to manifest, they all went into my basket. Symbols and sounds and textiles that all meant something to me and that I knew would one day have a place in the healing space I would be creating.

While I was in the Capitol we stopped by a store where I found a few more items for my basket. When I got home I took inventory of what I have collected over the years. Just a few things but all very much filled with hope for a future filled with love.

No one made a hope chest for me when I was a girl. I was not granted that consideration. I created my own hope, I started collecting pieces of my dream, and one day my hopes and dreams will live in a space of my own making and I will know I did this. Me. All by myself.

Little Fish Big Pond

free

I just did something that feels both exciting and terrifying. A little piece of truth I have never shared: I have a secret dream of one day being published.

This dream is not one I share openly because I have a lot of not-good-enoughs around this that are still keeping me small and quiet. Something happened recently though that presented a door. I am not sure what it is on the other side of that door or if I am even meant to open it right now. Today  I  took a risk and knocked on this door. We will see if it opens and if it does we will see if I meant to walk through.

If this door does open and me walking through it leads to some of my writing being published then that would be a dream. I am managing my expectations though and reminding myself that this is just a little step. Something to get my feet wet, this is not everything, this is just a step on the path towards everything.

Regardless of what happens next that was a scary first step to take, knocking on that door. I definitely feel like a fish out of water. It is scary stepping into the light and allowing yourself to be seen. It is scary to be open about the things you want in your life, especially the big things. It is vulnerable. I feel like even as I write this I am exposing my delicate pink underbelly to be ripped apart by criticism.

I did it though. I took that step. I exposed myself. I allowed myself to be seen. I spoke my desire to the universe. Now it is a wait and see.

 

Hope

hope

This lyric is playing in my head as I sit and think about something hubs and I were talking about earlier this evening. It is from the song What Sarah Said by Deathcab for Cutie. It is one of my hubs and I’s favorite song by that band.

I was thinking about it because we saw something on TV which prompted a conversation about our future children and the future of our future children. As I am laying here mulling it all over again in my head  I started thinking about hope. I am thinking about how much hope he and I have to dream about things we want for a future. Hope is what allows us to imagine a future. Hope is what allows us to look past this moment and trust that we get to experience the next.

And that is when it came to me, this lyric and what Ben Gibbard meant by it. I have always known what he meant by it but I am understand it on a deeper level. My husband and I have plans for our future, we believe that we will get to have a future, we believe we have children who will have a future. We are able to look so far into our future and imagine all the possibilities.. That takes courage and it takes hope.

It made me feel better in such tense times to recognize we have not lost our hope, it is sitting right here next to us just as it always has been.

In spite of everything I still believe people are really good at heart.

autistic hate letter

 

If you have not heard about this hate letter sent to the grandmother of an autistic child here is the link to the story.

Ontario family shocked after receiving letter from neighbour telling them to ‘euthanize’ autistic son

 

My sister-in-law showed me this story yesterday when my family came over for our weekly dinner. It is taking a while for me to sort out my feelings about it. After reading the actual letter my most fundamental reaction was shock and anger and that is not just because my nephew is autistic, I think most people would feel one of those two emotions after reading something steeped in that much hate.

I had a lot of questions, not necessarily for my sister-in-law just in general. After talking it out the initial conclusion I drew is that this woman lacks empathy. That in itself surprises me really. One of my first questions was “how, as a mother, is she able to harbor that much resentment towards a child? a disabled child at that?” I was working under the presumption that most mothers would be able to put themselves in the shoes of that child’s mother and consider how they would feel if it was their child in that position. Well without empathy you are unable to do that. The woman also seems to have a strong sense of entitlement. At the bottom of all of it though what we are really looking at it is ignorance. She is no different from any other bigot out there, she is just targeting an autistic child versus the gay community, those of different races or religions etc.

It is sad to follow yesterdays post about longing for a sense of community and brotherhood with a post that holds an example of such a stark contrast to that ideal. I was just saying how there are so many of us that have good in our hearts and want to take care of each other, this woman is out to prove me wrong. But fear not, this idealist is not easily dispirited. I would never dream of sharing such hateful news without providing a silver lining of hope. Ironically, it is the following news link that made me cry, not the previous.

Here is our silver lining.. “In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death.” – Anne Frank

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/moments-that-restored-our-faith-in-humanity-this-y