NF Types Managing Conflict: Part V

Everything went well at the Capitol. We got into a meeting, took our notes for our corresponding assignment, saw some friends and professors, and then headed back to the hotel to leave the city and head home.

When we got back to the hotel our friend was still not feeling well and blaming the new med. I had my own human reaction to that as well, why would you start a new antipsychotic med while you are our of town?? The truth is I was struggling with compassion because my frustration over violated boundaries was so intense. I am not proud of this but it is my truth and although I had trouble finding my compassion for the friend in that moment I can still try to show myself compassion when I have human reactions and struggle showing up as my best self.

So in order to make her comfortable for the car ride home we agreed to flip the third row of my SUV up so she could lounge back there alone and rest during the ling ride home. The agreement we all made when this decision was made is that everyone would have to take some of the luggage from the back up in their seat/row with them for the ride home because when the third row is up I lose almost all trunk space. We were able to fit one suitcase and a few small items in the trunk and the rest was displaced around the car.

I went to the lobby to check out while the girls solved the puzzle of where everything would now fit in the car and when I came back I was shocked to find that the second row had been filled to the brim with luggage and bags. The friend in the back took NO LUGGAGE. Um, excuse me princess, we had an agreement. Some of this shit is yours, you need to hold it back there with you.

Of course my sweet ENFJ friend had ended up with all the luggage next to her while the other two (who were both nursing hangovers but trying their best to disguise it) took nothing. NOTHING! I was pissed. This was just one more inconsiderate move from these two and I was over it.

For the sake of time I let it go and we got on the road. I was driving for roughly 45 minutes when my navigator/hung over friend up front decided to inform me that I was on my own in terms of navigating the GPS because she needed to take a nap. NOPE.

I immediately pulled over and made her get in the second row crammed into next to all the luggage and brought my ENFJ friend up front to navigate for me. We were both well rested as we got a solid 9 hours of sleep the nigh before, I was not playing games with the other two. It is a good thing too because we encountered bad weather the entire ride home and my ENFJ friend was not only navigating for me she was keeping updated on the weather radar and accident reports so we knew what was happening ahead of us. At one point we drove through a weather system with tornado warnings, I was thankful to have an attentive friend up front helping me navigate us safely home.

The last bit of nonsense from this trip actually occurred when we arrived at my home. The trip was over, everyone unpacked and left except for my friend from the third row on the pysch meds. She is not allowed to drive right now because of all the meds she is taking but she did not bother to arrange a ride home for herself. Apparently she was planning to either squat at my house until someone could come for her after work sometime or she was planning to put me on the spot and ask for a ride home. If she had discussed any of this with me at any point over the three days we were away or even before the trip I would have been more understanding but she never said a word. We got home and suddenly she didn’t have a plan and I was stuck with her.

I was exhausted. I had been dealing with her nonsense for days, I had just had a packed day, and driven four hours! I wanted to let my dog out, take a hot shower, start making dinner, and flop on the couch for a much deserved nap. I told her I had things I had to do and that it would not be convenient for me if she stayed. I told her she was welcome to call a cab or an Uber.

I left her in my drive way for a moment to figure it out while I went inside to let Lu out of her crate and take her potty, when I came back she had a plan. She said her boyfriend works 5 minutes from my house and he was on his way to get her. Great. I told her she was welcome to wait in my garage until he arrived. I know that seems cold, I didn’t even invite her in but after all that had happened I was not willing to take chances. She had taken advantage and tried to take advantage in so many ways with her behavior. I was not going to let her in my home so she could squat. It was easier to not invite her in than to invite her in and have to ask her to leave after she over stayed her welcome. She had already overstayed her welcome as far as I was concerned.

25 minutes later her boyfriend was no where to be found. I asked her what happened and she acted shocked that he still wasn’t there. She started texting and then said how he had gotten caught up and it would still be a while. I offered again the idea of the Uber, I really have to get on to these things I have to do, this is a bit of an inconvenience, no offense.

A few minutes later her boyfriend arrived and she got in the van leaving me with all her luggage. She literally left her luggage in my car for me to load for her into the van. That is IT! I showed her boyfriend where her stuff was and he loaded it for her. That was that.

I need sometime to get over the downs of this trip. Feelings were hurt, I personally felt disrespected and I know I am not the only one. I do think a few relationships were damaged beyond repair in terms of maintaining a friendship but I know professionally it will be okay. I don’t feel good about how I showed up at times but that is my NF piece that hates dealing with conflict. All this boundary setting that had to happen and use of assertive communication, it was so uncomfortable. I am not usually very rigid but when I feel violated I absolutely go into self-preservation mode. I know my friends are dealing with a lot in terms of personal issues but I do wish they would have practiced better self-care for everyone’s sake.

Of course there is room for bright spots in this and a big one for me was the level of bonding that came between myself and my ENFJ friend. We were both so uncomfortable and I think we both did a good job of being kind but firm and supporting each other in this as it was hard for both of us. I also feel proud of how I stood up for myself. I was not a doormat but I was not overly harsh either. Although I did not like being put in a position where I had to set boundaries and use assertive communication I think I did well overall. I was drained emotionally when she finally left yesterday though and did end up going to bed early after plenty of family cuddles as a way to take care of myself.

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