Wild Geese

One of my soul friends sent me something that instantly brought tears to me eyes. I feel compelled to share it so others can feel whatever it brings up for them and so I will always know where to find it.

wild geese

The very first line spoken aloud caught like a hook in my throat.

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees.

Let those healing waves crash over you.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air are heading home again.

Home. A tear falls from my eye.

The world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like wild geese..

I see those geese flying in my minds eye. I see the blue sky, I feel the breeze. I read these sacred words and know I am okay. We are all okay.

Thank you for this my kindred soul. It meant more than you know.

Advertisements

You and Me

you and me weekend

Hubs and I decided to have a You and Me weekend. Just you, me, and the dog (and sometimes not even the dog).

Last night we watched a movie and cuddled on the couch and then I read my book for hours before falling asleep. This morning we laid in bed and talked for a while before getting up and taking Lu for a walk in the park next to our home.

The park is always a lively place in the spring. Hubs and I spent a long time walking around the pond counting the different kinds of fish and turtles we saw. There were millions of tadpoles all plump and blissfully unaware of how close they are to losing their tails in lieu of little frog legs.

We came home from our family walk and I spent the next few hours writing a paper for school. I did so begrudgingly but I will admit I learn some new things from my research.

In the late afternoon hubs and I went out for an early dinner. He teased me about being an old lady and made a reference to the early bird special. Hey man, if the shoe fits, I’m hungry.

Over our early dinner hubs and I talked about gender norms, for some reason we had been exploring this topic from different angles all day. On the way home we decided to linger near our old street and visit our favorite place to sit and be together in our community.

We got out of the car and saw two boxers on the shore line we laughed as they played in the lake and scampered on the beach. I balanced and hopped on tree roots of an old live oak tree while telling hubs all the best parts of the book I am currently reading. ..And all the creatures of the forest are covered in black mushrooms because of the dark magic, only the good witch can save them… On and on I went as I circled the tree to the point of dizziness.

In our community we have a bench. We have been sitting on this bench together overlooking one of the lakes and the city since we first moved into our community 5 years ago. Tonight we sat on our bench and did what we do on our bench, talked about our life and our future. We make plans on this bench, we let this bench hold our hopes, dreams, and worries. This bench is special, it holds many sacred everyday parts of our love story.

As we walked by the bank of the lake on the way back to the car I picked flowers and danced on cypress knees, hubs held my hand to steady my balance as he often does in my life. We drove home with the windows down, dreams shared between us, my fist full of wildflowers wind whipped by my hand held out the window.

We came home and took a evening walk with Lu and watched the sunset over another lake in our community. We waved to neighbors and I picked more flowers for my bouquet. When we got home I placed my flowers in a jar of water.

Tonight I gave myself a pedicure in preparation for toes in the sand tomorrow at the beach. I spent my night writing for me to balance all the writing I did for others this week via documentation and papers for school. Now I will retire and read my book until my eyes are too heavy to continue because I know there is no better way to fall asleep than in the arms of the one you love with a book in your hand.

Righteous

The word righteous has come up three times so far this year. I do not remember this word coming into my life once in the last ten years.

Yes Universe, I am listening exactly what message are you trying to send me right now?

Two of the times this word came up was in the context of two completely unrelated people “acting self-righteous”. My skin crawled a bit each time that judgement was used but I moved on.

The third time it was my mother telling me that I am kind and righteous in the form of a compliment. I know her words were well intentioned but that word being used to describe me took me from skin-crawling to feeling completely covered in slimy shame and disgust.

Apparently I have a problem with this word. I have been sitting with this truth for weeks in order to understand it better.

I emailed one of my soul friends at one point and asked her what the word meant to her and what her first reaction to the word was.

She emailed me back the following:

First thought, used today as old-school surfer slang. Second, of or pertaining to goodness. Third, negative connotation related to disparaging accusations like “self-righteous”.

I emailed her back and agreed those were my thoughts and reactions to the word as well but in reverse.

My first thought/reaction is the judgement statement around being “self-righteous”.

My second thought has to do with pureness and goodness.

My third thought takes me to a Jeff Spicoli type character riding a wave in California.

spicoli

I guess it is a matter of perspective, and the experiences guiding the perspective of myself and my soul friend are different so it makes sense that we would come at this word from different directions.

I am realizing I struggle with this word for two reasons (there might be more than two reasons but so far two main reasons have risen to the surface for me).

  1. The Us vs Them mentality. What is the difference between myself, who my mother referred to as righteous, and the other individuals who have been labeled as self-righteous? My truth: very little. Compassion tells me that very little separates me from these individuals. These individuals are both righteous AND self-righteous, just as I am both righteous AND self-righteous, just as we all are both righteous AND self-righteous. Righteous is white light and Self-Righteous is black darkness, together the white and the black, the light and dark come together in truth: GRAY.
  2. Religious undertones. For me this word takes me straight to the church, it takes me to a place of pain and ridicule and otherness. My truth is that if this is a matter of Us vs. Them, I am on the Them side of that fence, not the Us.

The second struggle is my truer struggle I think. I already know my truth when it comes to Us vs. Them mentality, if that was my only issue I would have moved on quickly without giving it much thought because I am sound in my truth. The reason I was so triggered and felt myself linger in this place of feeling triggered was because of my second struggle.

Righteous is word that belongs to the church and I will never again belong to the church so that word can never ever be part of me.

Wrong.

I can reclaim righteous. I can reclaim it much like I reclaimed the word sacred. Sacred was another word that for a long time I felt like could never belong to me because of my experiences with the church. Then I found my own truth around spirituality and realized my truth was sacred.

I do not know what reclaiming righteous will look like for me. I do know it will have nothing to do with Us vs. Them, and it will have nothing to do with religious doctrine. These thing I know, the rest is yet to be seen.

righteous

For now I found this and it felt true.