Yesterday morning I wrote this post and then the internet went down so it is posting a day late.
This week has been a lot. It has left me feeling disconnected from myself and stressed. I have been working late at internship, in some cases I have come home multiple hours late leaving me just an hour to have dinner and be with my family before out normal bedtime. I also find myself thinking about my clients after I leave the office. I know what is happening and I know better, yet here I am being human.
I have what feel like valid reasons for all of it. I am a mandated reporter, I cannot walk out after a session where an abuse report needs to be made. and I cannot walk out on a client making threats, I have to meet and see if a suicide risk assessment is needed. and There is documentation with all of this, I cannot walk out without documenting what took place.
All of this is true. This is the job I signed up for. Yet at the end of the day when I a deep breath for the first time all day and check in with myself I recognize there somewhere in the midst of all the chaos and good social working I abandoned myself.
This begs the question, is there a way to stay late and do all these things I need to do to protect my clients AND take care of me at the same time. How do I keep my connection with myself while doing this very emotionally draining work?
I came home last night and found that my books had come in. Part of this order was a pack of self-care cards I ordered. It is a deck of 52 cards, you pull one and see what kind of self-care it suggests. So I plopped on the couch with my dinner to start exploring all my books and pulled a self-care card from the middle of the deck..
Ha! The universe was sending me a very clear message and I could do was laugh, shake my head, and say Um Yeah, I know.
So today I am going in late because I already know that I will have to stay late. Boundary #1.
I have also decided to bring one of my diffusers in with me so I can put on some oils and set a better environment for myself in the office to ease feelings of stress and tension. Boundary #2. I am also going to make a concerted effort to leave the office at the office. Boundary #3.
I also think that I need to be more mindful and check in with myself more throughout the day, take that sacred pause from time to time.
I have a lot of anxiety going into today so I would like to air some of that out as well so the burden can be released.
I am running group today and I do not feel ready because of how my week has turned out. I built time into my day to figure it out though and I already have a plan. It will be fine.
I had to make a call to the abuse hotline last night on behalf of a client and the report was accepted. This is the first time I have called and felt afraid after. I am sure everything will be fine but I do plan to speak to my supervisor again today just to make her aware of my concern.
Those are my two largest stressors right now. I also know this is going to be a long day and I am not excited about that. I thought about putting a “but” in there after I made that statement, it didn’t feel right though. I am not excited about having to work late today end of story. I do not need to try to put a positive spin on that. I am aloud to feel the way I feel about it and that is frustrated.
This is me staying connected to myself, not trying to make pieces of myself pretty because we are not supposed to admit that sometimes we are just annoyed or frustrated or overwhelmed. Yesterday I was completely overwhelmed and I soldiered on and it felt like shit. Today I am frustrated and I will allow myself to have that. I will do what I can to make the day easier for myself but I will not tell myself that I am not allowed to feel the way I feel about it. All feelings are welcome here.
This is what connection looks like for me. Today will be a better day even if everything goes to shit because I taking care of me while I take care of everything else.