How to be Attractive

I logged into my Pinterest account today to grab one of my images for one of the other posts I was writing and there was an image sitting there waiting for me because apparently based on the other things I have been pinning Pinterest thought I would like it. I had a total WTF moment about it. Here is the image:

how-to-be-attractive

What the fuck Pinterest? Really? Do you not know me at all?

I am sorry but my inner feminist could not let this one slide. I have been made aware that this utter nonsense exists in the world and for the next five minutes it is my mission to balance this garbage.

Luckily as if she somehow knew I needed something awesome in this moment my soul friend sent me this.

This awesome slam poetry serves to rip shame in half and give the finger to sexist agendas that aim to keep women small, neither seen nor heard.

Hear is my truth about feeling attractive and connected to myself: I do it for me not for anyone else.

  1. I smile when I feel like it not out of obligation to the world. Sometimes I feel swallowed by my emotions and smiling is not a thing, I am no less attractive because I experience more than one emotion.
  2. I smell the way that I smell. It is my smell. My smell is usually lavender and lemon oil, it may not be for everyone. I am not open to anyone else’s opinion on my smell.
  3. I wear clothes that feel good and make me feel like myself when I look in the mirror. No outside opinions needed or wanted in that area either.
  4. I will educate or shelter myself on and from the world as I see fit. I am no less intelligent or worthy of taking up space based on my decision in this area.
  5. I can kind of get behind this one honestly. I do not speak kindly of myself though, that is doing it for other people. I speak kindly to myself because I do it for me, not for you.
  6. Have whatever kind of hobby you want, screen or no screen. Or if you prefer don’t have a hobby at all. Your interests are YOUR interests. They belong to you, do what feels right.
  7. I do value education, that is my truth. I also thought that college was out of reach. You are no less worthy if you did not get past the 8th grade. You do your life in the way that feels right for you and do not accept anyone else’s judgements or opinions based on some classist bullshit like higher education.
  8. Make time for yourself and anyone else you feel drawn to give your time to. Our time is an enormous gift, we deserve it as much as the rest of the world. You are still a good  and worthy person if you never volunteer a day in your life.
  9. I like the piece about saying thank you because one of my own personal truths is deeply connected to daily gratitude. I do not believe in obligatory reciprocation though. You reciprocate when you feel compelled to and do not allow others or society to guilt you into doing favors you are not comfortable doing.

These are my truths about being attractive based on the list provided. They may not be your truth, maybe you like the original list. That is alright. Personally, it was not for me. I am more in line with Olivia Gatwood and her Ode to the Resting Bitch Face.

You owe the world nothing. Focus on you, figure out what unique brilliance you bring to the world and do not allow others to tell you that you are less than because you did not conform. Radical self-love my friends. Embrace all aspects of yourself as you are not as others believe you should be.

 

 

And Then I Knew

son

I was leaving the art store parking lot today when a mother and her young boy were exiting the store. I waited and waved them along to cross in front of me, she waved back and ushered her son along. I watched them as they crossed in front of my car, he was young maybe preschool age. They both carried little baskets with their goods from the store tucked inside. It looked like maybe the makings for an Easter basket or a related project. As I watched them walk by I teared up. Suddenly I knew, I can do that. I can raise a boy.

When I was a little girl I dreamed of being a mother one day. In this day dream I was always the mother of a girl. I wanted a daughter so badly. Then I grew up and things happened. Things that shouldn’t have happened. Over and over my life taught me how scary it is to be a girl in this world. With this my mind changed. I no longer wanted a daughter. My truth for a long time was that this world is not meant for women and I did not want to have daughters who were born to suffer knowing that I could do nothing but stand by while it happened.

My truth began to change again over time. My truth changed from This world is not meant for girls to Creation is female therefore this world was made by women. This world is absolutely meant for girls. With that truth I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was meant to be the mother of strong, unruly, fantastic females.

With this new truth that I feel so deeply I have often wondered and worried, but what if I have sons? Let me be clear, no matter what I have I welcome that soul with open arms. My concern for my possible future son(s) is the expectations society will place on him about what it means to be a man.

How do I teach that sweet soul about the power and goodness that resides in leading with feminine energy when our society will demand the opposite of him?

When I saw that mother with her little boy today something clicked. Suddenly things made sense again. I will show my son the love and healing energy of feminine energy through art and reading and nature and my love for those around me including him. Creation is female, it is feminine. Creating art, planting a garden, nurturing love in relationships. He will see it everyday in the actions of his mother and father.

I do not worry for my future children because I will be there mother and my husband will be their father and they will find balance and stability and goodness in our love.

I am grateful everyday for the messages I receive. They always seem to come at the right time. Of course they do.

Sometimes You Just Need a Day

This morning I woke up and rolled over to this face:

need-a-day

That was all the convincing I needed. I am staying home today, the dog needs cuddles. So I rearranged my schedule, sat in my gratitude for having a flexible schedule that allows for these kinds of changes, and got to cuddling.

After a sufficient amount of time cuddling it was time to get up. It was early and I had the whole day ahead of me with nothing on my calendar. Nothing. I love the way that word sounds when used in the context of my schedule.

I had my tea and meditated in the silence of my home. Once my intention for the day was set it was off the the art supply store to polish off the rest of my gift card money from the holidays.

I have a few different art projects on my list right now. Some are for me, some are for loved ones, and some are to do with my clients.

I got all my supplies for my various projects and headed to the check out line. I was standing in line admiring the art supplies that the silver haired woman in front of me was purchasing when the magazine rack next to me caught my eye. What caught my eye specifically was the piece on the front cover of a magazine that read: 70 Everyday Bits of Magic Worth Celebrating. In my head I started compiling a list of my own everyday magic. I looked back at the magazine; another piece on the cover read: Living an Intentional Life.
Okay magazine you made your point. I proceeded to put it in my basket and check out.

I spent the rest of the day on the art project I plan to do with clients. We have adult coloring books at our agency that many clients use as a coping tool. Recently my supervisor and I brainstormed an art project that takes the coloring pages a step further into a therapeutic art project. This came after my supervisor bought a bunch of canvases on sale at the art store and came to me asking what kind of project we could do with them.

I took myself back outside today to create because it was another beautiful day. Not to mention that the clean up is way easier when I don’t have to lay a drop cloth.

need-a-day2need-a-day1

I lit my candle for creative inspiration, colored my coloring page, grabbed my paints and created a colorful background on my canvas. From there I modpodged my coloring page on to my canvas and added odds and ends for pizzazz. (That word is weird right? Pizzazz..)

need-a-day4

When I was done with my art project I cleaned up my supplies, did a few chores, and then because I was feeling really domestic today I even made a berry crumble for after dinner. I always keep rolled oats around just in case I feel like baking something easy.

While my crumble baked I caught up with two of my soul friends by phone. One of them is coming to stay with me at the end of this week and I am over the moon. I cannot wait to be in her presence.

After everything else was finished I curled up in my blankets on the couch and read my magazine. It has been a long time since I have bought a magazine. The last one I purchased was an art magazine. This felt a little foreign but this magazine is very me from cover to cover.

need-a-day3

It was a good day and sometimes you need one of those.

Healing Through Art

Yesterday when I received the email from my relative I mentioned that I did not read it, only the first line. This is true but that first line was enough to leave me shaken, quite literally.

I have been taking good care to protect myself from the negativity of the world for some time now. It started with my decision to no longer watch violent TV, then I stepped back from watching the news everyday, then I made the decision to remove myself from social media, then I started to became mindful of how I spend my time and made the decision to be selectively social.

In order to be able to wake up to my own truth about myself and love and life and everything beyond these things I had to turn down the volume on everything else so I could hear my own truth and inner wisdom.

This has worked for me. I have had more epiphanies in all of these areas thanks to my solitude and silence than I have ever experienced previously in my life.

I will not go on this way forever. I may continue with some of these decisions such as my absence from social media and my decision to filter out the media and violence but socially I know that I will not remain a hermit long term. What is point of these epiphanies if I cannot build connection through sharing my truth with others and those I love?

For now this where I am at and I know with my whole being it is where I am meant to be.

These choices I have made have in essence been like a spiritual cleanse. An emotional/spiritual detox of sorts. A resetting of my soul and being. Because of this I have noticed that my level of emotional sensitivity has become heightened.This truth is what made my relative’s email so unbearable for me today. It is the reason I only got through the first sentence before I said to myself, No. I will not expose myself to this poison.

We receive invitations all day long through our interactions with the outside world. What is important to remember is that we are not obligated to accept these invitations. When my relative wrote that email he was essentially saying here is this darkness I have that I am not able to hold, I am bringing it to you so you can hold it for me and I can feel better. I knew immediately I could not grant this request for him. I declined this invitation and chose not to read the email as an act of self-love and emotional preservation.

That first sentence I read was like being bit by a venomous spider. I had a physical reaction. I began to shake. I recognized immediately the reaction I was having and stopped. I will not suffer to ease someone else’s suffering. I do not owe anyone that. I will not burn to keep someone else warm.

I took sometime to recover. Took a deep breath and wrote my truth in my response. After I felt better. I also sent a separate email to my extended family to offer them love and support and healing energy I felt they all might need to balance any difficult emotions they may be grappling with after the initial email from our relative.

Once I had done what I felt comfortable doing for those I love it was time to take care of me. I knew what I needed today: light, gray, AND, nature, painting, and writing. This is what that looked like for me..

  • I changed into my favorite gray clothing to wrap my soul in my own truth: that the world is not black and white, it is beautiful shades of gray where everything is allowed to exist together.
  • I lit my gray candle for healing and two more tea lights to bring light and love through the amethyst stones that held them.
  • I grabbed my art supplies and headed outside to set up shop among the leaves that blanket my backyard.

healing-and-art2

I spent the afternoon in the company of Lu, the squirrels, the leaves and trees, and gusting wind that would occasionally blow pollen and leaves into my paint and down my shirt. The afternoon was gray and overcast and I know the Universe did that for me because today I needed to feel the all consuming comfort and healing of the gray.

Lu looked on as I released the toxins from my system by slapping and spattering paint on to my canvas and across the leaves that served as my back drop. Gray and black and white and every color of the rainbow came flying off my paint brush and from my fingers in a mess of color and pain and love and surrender.

Then I began to write. I gave voice to every AND that was banging around in my soul. I bled it all out until I felt clean again. Until I knew it had all been heard, and seen, and released.

healing-and-arthealing-and-art1

As I look at this piece on my book shelf I have unending gratitude. It is holding so much for me and it does so without needing anything from me in return. This is how I know I am on a path of love and acceptance and healing. I did this for myself. I took my pain and I made something beautiful with it. In this way I AM THE ALCHEMIST.

This is a representation of the AND I am always talking about. This is life. It is messy AND confusing AND dark AND colorful AND light AND love AND GRAY.

There is room for everything here. The pain I felt when I read the first line of that email AND the clarity I felt in the message I was meant to send. The rage I had over what was said about someone else I love AND the compassion I felt for my family member who is clearly sitting in the middle of their own pain. The ability to express my own truth in that moment AND make room for others to express their own truth as well.

This is not easy work to do. I have not come to any of this in ease or grace. It is only through willingness to embrace my own darkness and shadows and love them fully that I have been able to wake up to my truth and share it so earnestly.

I am still working, I think I always will be. I know what took place here was important though and I wanted to make sure to give it recognition. I think it was another small step towards my something bigger, whatever that may be.

Emotional Arsonist

emotional-arsonist

I was weary and ready for sleep tonight when it was time for lights out. I did not write yesterday because the words had not yet come to me. Then magically they appeared in the middle of the night as they sometimes do like a song stuck in my head. The longer I lay there trying to ignore them, trying to wait til the morning, the louder the song grew. Until there was only one choice to make, it is time to write.

I woke initially with a pain in my shoulder which makes sense because I am carrying a burden. A burden that weighs heavy on my heart and heavier on my soul.

Before I go further I would like to offer background for this post:
The Unraveling of a Family Tie
and
Boundaries are Hard in Families
will give some context to this post for anyone that wants it.

Out of respect for my family I have been doing what I consider shadow writing on topics related to family issues up to this point. For now I plan to continue to write in the shadows, I may feel differently about this as time goes on, that is yet to be seen.

So in these previous posts I have mentioned a long brewing issue that one family member is at the center of. In recent months another family member has become involved and when this took place a small flame was lit. A flame of negativity and malice, of confusion and mistrust. This small flame has resulted in a raging fire of destruction and disconnection that threatens to engulf my family.

Previously I mentioned that I am not the fire department and I hold no power to extinguish this blaze; that is still my truth. I am one person with a bucket though and today was the day I decided it was time to pick up my one bucket and use it before it was too late.

Up to this point this flame has been somewhat contained. There are two family members who started it and they have been trying to add small pieces of kindling but the fire has burned away from most of the rest of the family so we have been able to remain uninvolved with collective hope that this fire would burn out on its own given enough time. Today a flame from that fire licked my face and that was too close to comfort. It was time to set a hard boundary.

What took place was that my relative who is one of the fire starters emailed the entire family to speak their truth about another family member who they have a waged character war against. This was done as a way to further discredit this person and lambast their integrity. On this issue I remain neutral, this is not my quarrel. What I will not do however is accept any kind of correspondence that will cause further injury to my family. I did not read more than the first line of this person’s email, that was enough for me. From there I took a breath and decided to respond. My response was as follows:

_________________ ,

Please know that as I write this email I bear you no ill will. I believe that you feel that you are doing what you think is right.

With that said, I did not read your email and I will not read any further correspondence that means to further injure our family. When I say family, that includes everyone. You, ______, and _______ will always be part of my family and I will always have compassion for all of you, as I do everyone in the family.

I feel as though you have lost your way and I send you light and love during this difficult time.

As for  __________, there is nothing that anyone could ever say that would convince me that he is anything less than good hearted.

I hope we are able to heal as a family. The disconnection we are experiencing is hurtful and it does not have to be.

I am sending you love and forgiveness.

 

This was my bucket of water. This was my offering and my hope is that the healing energy of love and compassion would act as water to the flame. If not, I have at least set the boundary in an assertive way to let them know I will not accept this kind of correspondence going forward.

This person’s email was entitled “The Truth” and they spoke their truth. I took this as an invitation for the rest of us to speak ours.

I have remained silent and neutral up to this point, as the rest of my extended family has, for reasons I have listed before: hopefully this will blow over, it is none of my business, etc.

This is not blowing over, the flames are growing larger and the moment my relative sent that email to the entire extended family this situation went from being none of my/our business to this person making it our business.
There is a time for silence and a time for action and for me the time for silence ended the moment this person hit the “send” button and spewed this venom on the family.

I still remain neutral on the overarching issue because I do not believe it is my place to pass judgement on who is right or wrong. I might have my private feelings about that but I do not have the authority or the right to pass that judgement openly. I also do not believe that doing so will help me meet my ultimate goal for an outcome which is the healing and preservation of my entire family.

Judgement and anger and other negative emotions would only further insight this fire. To put out a fire you have to introduce a new element: sand, water, etc. Love is my water. Unconditional forgiveness  and compassion are my water. An invitation to heal is my water.

When I sent my response I replied all. No one else in my family had responded to this relative, this is still true. My hope is that I was able to set an example of love, an example that my family will have the courage to follow. My hope is that my family will see me here with bucket and join me with buckets of their own healing truth to share with this family member in an effort to extinguish this flame.

In the end we cannot control this person or their reactions. We are not the fire department and we may not be able to put out this inferno. I will not stand by with my bucket and feel useless though. I will not watch my family burn and do nothing when I have a bucket I can offer. My family may be doomed to burn either way but at least I know I did my part.

Tonight I send out love and light to everyone in my family, we all are hurting in the wake of this crisis. My hope and intention is the light I am sending out be the light that guides my family back to a path of love and connection. We have to come back to each other in love and connection to heal and be whole again.

 

An aside: When I got out of bed to come and write I did what I normally do when I write in the middle of the night. I lit my candles to bring light and love to darkness, I lit my salt lamp with the same intention, and I made myself a cup of tea. Then I took my tea and nested in blankets on the couch for comfort. The tea I often make for middle of the night writing is a brand that has what I think of as “love notes” on the tag. When I looked at the love note on my tea it was as though the Universe knew what I am trying to do with my healing bucket of water and was sending me support and assurance in its own way.

cosmic-support

 

You Came Back.

I had lunch with my best friend from elementary school Monday. This is the second time I have seen her since she has come back into my life and I can’t explain the feeling of having her back.

I remember dancing to Madonna and the Beach Boys in the living room. I remember having the same day beds in our bedrooms and wearing the same shoes and the same clothes and pretending we were sisters because neither of us had one. I remember selling purple cool-aid on her street corner because we didn’t have lemonade. I remember our brothers being best friends too and us both thinking they were nerds. I remember sleepovers every weekend, I got pink eye for the first time because she had it and I wasn’t willing to be away from her.

This girl is a big piece of my good memories. It feels good to have something good from that time in my life come back to me.

Not everyone comes back. There are a lot of uncertains in life. My brother walked out a door one day to go off to boot camp and there was no certainty that he would come back. It took 10 years before he was back for good. I walked out of room one day thinking I had more time not knowing that was the last conversation I would ever have with my papa.

People move. Relationships end. Lives end. You make promises about one day.. One day.. But the truth is you don’t know and you can’t control it.

To have someone so important and so good come back after so long.. It just hit me how rare and special that is.

Sitting across a table talking about big girl life with my best friend from childhood is a dream come true for my inner 8 year old . We were together then talking about our dreams and we are together now talking about our dreams.

The holes people leave in our lives may get smaller over time but it wasn’t until she cam back that I realized they never really go away. She cam back and suddenly I felt a bit more complete, that hole was once again filled.

dancing

I Encourage You to Write

A month or so ago I mentioned that I had been sought out by a few people as a mentor. That has been a nice experience and I have actually taken on another mentee since that original post. I have even had the opportunity to write my first letter of recommendation for another person, which truth be told I am still working on because I want it to be exactly what it is meant to be.

So something that has come up a few times now is the part of the mentor-mentee relationship where I am being asked for tips/advice on this or that as it pertains to whatever thing we are discussing. I realized I have two tips/pieces of advice that are universal no matter who I am speaking with.

  1. Start seeing a therapist
  2. If you don’t have the funds for therapy then start writing until you do and then keep writing once you do.

That is it folks. That is my sage wisdom about life, and becoming an authentic healer/helping professional, and feeling fulfilled and whole.

The see a therapist part is important because you need to have one person in your life that has no other role in your life than to listen. To listen to it all. Anything you have that needs to be heard that is your person across the board.

This is coming from a woman who has a solid relationship with family, a husband, soul friends, girl friends, trust worthy co-workers, mentors.. I have a lot of people in my life that are here to listen. It doesn’t matter. None of them can hold it all for me. Not even my husband.

And here is my truth about that: I would never want them to. Again, not even my husband.

My therapist is my person that helps me with my relationship with myself so I can learn to listen to myself and be the one person responsible for holding all of my stuff. My truth is that if there is any aspect of myself that I am asking someone else to hold because I don’t want to then I am doing it wrong.

There is nothing that my husband, or friends, or family, or co-workers, or mentors can do to make me feel better about something if I am not first willing to hold it for myself and help myself feel better about it.

So I say again: Tip #1: Get a therapist.

Tip #2 is of equal importance. Start writing.

I realize there are a lot of reasons/excuses that are out there for why you aren’t doing this.

I am not a good writer. My grammar isn’t great. I don’t have time. I don’t have a computer. I don’t want anyone to read it and judge me. I don’t know what to write about.

Keep making that list folks. Write down all your reasons/excuses so every piece of you that is fighting against writing has been heard and then START WRITING.

Start writing right now. Don’t even feel pressure to finish reading what I am writing. You have my full blessing to close the window to my blog right now. Just start writing.

Write about whatever you want. Start making lists. The first list can be that list of reasons you don’t want to write. Make your grocery list. Make a list each morning of who you want to be today. Make a list of your heroes and what draws you to them. Write anything just write. Write everyday until you get to the point where going a day without writing feels like going a day without air.

This is how you get to know who you really are. You are not processing your thoughts and feelings with anyone but yourself. You don’t need anyone else’s opinion or input on your life, you only need to be with yourself. Write.

Write and learn who you are. Write to find yourself. Write to learn your own truth. Write to be heard. Write to heal. Write to get it out.

Writing gives you time to be alone and quiet so you can hear your own inner wisdom about your life.

It does not matter how you start. Write on napkins. Write on whatever is next to you, as long as it is not living because that would be problematic. Just write.

If you do only one thing today I encourage you to write.

write1

Entitlement and the Illusion of Scarcity

One of my early morning epiphanies had to do with something that took place back in November. You can read the full back story on this event here. For the purposes of this post I will give a quick recap.

During group supervision one day.. Let me pause for a second because it just occurred to me most of my readers are not social workers. A quick side note for my non-social workers; supervision is when the entire social work/clinical team comes together to discuss cases, ethical concerns, and all other pressing matters at the agency and that impact our clients.

Okay so at the end of supervision when the clinical team was getting ready to leave our supervisor asked us to stay for a moment longer so she could get something off her chest. She then spent the next 10-15 minutes pretty much berating the team for not being fully committed to the work and our clients. She even went so far as to call some of us entitled. This lecture came without warning, there had been no issues that any of us were aware of at the agency that triggered this. It also came with no explanation or clarification. She made it clear that she was not talking to everyone but what does that matter?

The truth is she was talking to everyone. Literally. Everyone is here. You are talking to all of us. If this message is not meant for everyone then it seems pretty inappropriate that you are sharing it with everyone. If you need to have a private conversation with someone then by all means but right now, you are in fact talking to everyone.

There was a lot about this incident that bothered me. It felt incredibly passive-agressive first of all. If you have something to say then say it, to the person, directly. This whole talking in shadows to the entire group as a way to shame one person into submission did nothing but spew that negative shamey energy all over everyone.

Second was the use of the word entitled. Apparently that word bothers the shit out of me and I did not know this about myself until it was being thrown at all of us from left field.

I have been sitting with that word ever since to explore what exactly it is that bothers me. I have processed some of my feelings in prior posts but this morning I feel like I finally put my finger on it.

That day when my supervisor pulled the rug out from under us in the way she did, I believe she was operating from a place of scarcity. Scarcity has a direct connection to shame which is why we all felt covered in it after supervision that day.

The definition of scarcity is:

 noun: scarcity; plural noun: scarcities
  1. the state of being scarce or in short supply; shortage

It is the idea that there is not enough to go around. We all like Brene Brown here right? Right. What does Brene teach us about shame? Shame thrives on the feeling of not enough.

shame

 

Now lets look at the word entitled, what does that word even mean?

en·ti·tled
inˈtīdld,enˈtīdld/
adjective
adjective: entitled
  1. believing oneself to be inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment

So that day my supervisor told us a story based in the illusion of scarcity. And followed it with a shame chaser by calling us entitled. As a result here are the messages we received that day in supervision:

Scarcity: What you are doing is not enough.
Shame: You are not worthy/not good enough.
Entitled: You are asking for things you do not deserve.

Here is the thing about shame, there is only one way to balance it: with love. Loving all parts of yourself. Believing that you are worthy. That you are enough, what you have is enough, and what you give is enough.

That is why the word entitled bothered me so much and this whole incident was hurtful. This might be her own truth, but it is not mine.

The work will always be there. There will always be more to do. It will never get done. There is no finish line in social work or pretty much any profession, there is just wrapping up one thing and starting the next.

I give of myself every day while I am with my clients and I know that what I give is enough. That is my truth.

I do not ask for special privileges. I know my worth though and I honor myself the same way I honor my clients, by making myself a priority in my life. I deserve my time and attention as much as any other person in my life. That is my truth.

When you find yourself operating from a place of scarcity and shame I encourage you to look inward and listen. What is your truth in this moment? What voice needs to be heard?

I am grateful that I have been open to having an honest relationship with the parts of myself that have been struggling lately because in doing so they felt heard and as a result they quieted so I was able to hear something else, my truth.

scarcity

It’s All Here. It Always was.

answer

This morning I woke before the sun, 4:40 a.m. to be precise. Something woke me. A smell, a sound, a feeling.. I can’t be sure. I decided since I was partially awake I would go to the bathroom before drifting back off. As I got out of bed Lu decided this was a good idea as well. So, I escorted her outside, took care of myself, and then we both crawled back into bed to for a few more hours of snuggly sleep.

Sleep did not come though. Instead I was met with an explosion of ideas and personal truths. Yesterday I cleared some blocks and anxiety I have been experiencing related to my future, as a result I believe I created room for things that were bubbling underneath my surface that I could not hear over the deafening hum of my own fear and worry.

As I lay in bed I started jotting notes and ideas that were coming to me. Then whole paragraphs, then whole pages. Next thing I knew it was time to really write, this was more than just a middle of the night inspiration.

I am doing some if not most of this writing in my other writing space that is just for me because these are inspirations and ideas and personal truths related to my future both spiritually and professionally; and as I have mentioned before I am choosing for now to keep these things private. I may write a little more here later if I feel struck to do so. For now I just wanted to share something I already knew to be true but that the universe reminded me of this morning: All we need lies within us. What I am looking for, the answers I seek, they already exist within me. I just have to quiet my mind and my fear so I can listen to my own inner wisdom.

Free Fall

anxiety

I heard a rumor yesterday that the next job opportunity that I thought might present itself to me maybe wouldn’t be after all. Today that rumor was a confirmed fact. The job prospect that felt so right is no longer an option.

When I first heard that maybe this wouldn’t work out after all I felt a bit panicked. I didn’t realize how much I was hanging hope on this. Then today when it was confirmed another feeling popped up, an unexpected feeling.. Relief.

Suddenly that panic of Oh my gosh what am I going to do? morphed into I don’t know and it is okay.

I don’t think the idea of not having a job lined up is what has been stressing me out, I think it is the not knowing what the job will be. I have every confidence I will get a job, I just really want to know what it is going to be. I feel like I am trying to skip chapters in a book because I just really want to know how it ends. I need to relax, keep reading, and try to enjoy the story.

I have been speaking with my husband about everything and as per usual he is pretty chill and supportive about the whole thing. He has no worry in terms of me gaining employment and who knows what else will happen this year? Maybe I am not meant to have a job immediately.

There was another piece of me that felt like I have to get licensed ASAP as well. I had this long check list of all the things I have to do the second I graduate but the truth is I don’t. I don’t have to do any of this immediately.

I can wait to attach with a LCSW supervisor. I can wait to apply to be a registered intern. I can wait to take the test. I can wait to get a job. It can all wait. My life is not going to fall down around me if these things don’t happen the second I am done with school. It will be okay. I will be okay.

Once I apply to be an intern I have 5 years to get my hours and pass the test. If for any reason I cannot make these things happen within that 5 year window I do not get my license in the state of Florida. Ever.

I am trying to balance myself as I finish this last semester but this is all weighing heavy on my mind. This is a big life transition. Once I graduate I am walking back into full-time employment, and everything that comes along with the licensure process, and hopefully parenthood, and building my own practice at some point.

I am excited about most of these things. I am also a bit overwhelmed, and scared. I am also grateful. I am also curious. I am also wanting to speed up time and start doing it all. I am also trying to keep my balance and remain grateful for the moment I am in.

It will all be okay. I will be okay.

Thom Yorke and the Hiccups

radiohead

I was writing while the TV babbled in the background. Hubs was watching something violent and I was actively tuning it out. Then I heard something familiar.. Pack and get dressed before your father hears us..

I started singing along. I got to my favorite part of the song, We hope that you HICCUP!!

It wasn’t a hiccup as much as a screaming explosion of noise that startled not only myself but hubs and Lu as well. Then we all laughed. Well, Lu would have laughed if dogs could.

Then I started thinking, what if that happened to Thom Yorke in the middle of the concert? Reckoner you can’t take it with you dancing for HICCUP! How funny would that be?

It made me think of the painful humaness we all are subject to, even famous people. None of us can escape it. We all hiccup and fart and have to go pee at seriously inopportune moments. We all get sick and experience loss and get super embarrassed at times.

If I ever met someone famous, like Thom Yorke or Tim Gunn or Stevie Nicks, that is what I want to ask. Tell me something human. Tell me something I can relate to. Tell me what you are afraid of or something embarrassing that happened. Show me how we are the same.

Here is one of mine as far as embarrassing stories go:

One of my jobs out of high school was as a teller at a bank. I was helping a client in the drive thru banking lanes and she had her poodle in the car with her. When I was finished processing her transaction I sent out her receipt with a dog biscuit. We always had dog biscuits and lollipops on hand for pets and kids (although let’s be real, the adults ate more of candy than kids ever did). After she received the plastic tube with her receipt she rang the bell to get my attention. I responded to ask if there was anything else I could help her with. She then asked what the dog biscuit was for. I told her it was for her dog and just then a frizzy/curly haired teenage girl leaned forward in the front seat revealing there was no poodle. The woman then said that’s not my dog, it is my daughter. I was MORTIFIED! Luckily both the woman and her daughter thought it was hilarious. That was such a gift, the fact that they were cool and able to laugh about it. Seriously.

It is fun to be reminded of our flawed humanness sometimes. Whenever I start doing real well the universe inevitably smacks me upside the head and reminds me to Take it easy dude, you’re still only human.

Philosophizing with My Husband

jurassic

Hubs and I were sitting on the couch eating vegan ice cream tonight, watching the final installation of The Hobbit series when something occurred to me.

I don’t like the last movie in the series as much as the others in the series because it is all centered around the battle which does not interest me. I do not like war movies, I don’t like action movies with too much violence, I don’t like “epic battle scenes”. I am not interested.

As we were watching it occurred to me that in these movies the cast is primarily male. I then turned to my husband and said You know that if women ruled the world there would be no war, right?

He bit on my line and next thing I knew we were debating this theory.

Hub’s theory about my claim is that because of human tendency towards greed and because of both the perception and reality of scarcity on our planet even with female world leaders there would be war. His counter claim was that “it would only be a matter of time before someone did not have enough resources and decided to take from someone else”. He related greed and this action of “taking” back to evolution and survival of the fittest.

I disagreed. My rebuttal was that if we are talking about evolution then we have to look at woman’s role in society from an evolutionary stand point. Women have never been takers. Women, historically, have never been in a role of power to even have the opportunity to be takers. Women are givers. Nurturing, maternal, givers. My thoughts are that if women ruled the world there would be more compromise, more cooperation across the globe. Instead of taking from others in times of scarcity women leaders would look to their allies for help and help would be given.

Hubs then followed my theory but punched a whole in it saying that just because women are in power across the world does not mean that men vanish. If men are takers they would still be taking even if they were not in a leadership position. The actions of men, based on his proposal, would then force the female leader’s hands into conflict and war.

To this I simply quoted my husband’s favorite author: It appears that Mr. Crichton had it right then, “Dinosaurs eat man, woman inherits the earth”.

It is the only way to live in peace.

Hermit So Hard

ice-cream

I emailed my soul friend today because lately I have been in a place mentaly/emotionally where I am congratulating myself for managing to comb my hair at least once during teh course of the day.

I am in the land of zero fucks given and I needed someone to validate for me that I am not a failure as a human and that we all go through the I-just-want-to-stay-braless-in-my-pajamas-eating-ice-cream-on-the-couch-and-watching-bad-tv-for-a-month-and-not-see-another-human-except-for-my-husband-and-only-because-he-lives-here-not-because-I-actually-want-to phase.

I have been in and out of a funk most of this year so I was reluctant to get on here and write about it because I am sure you guys are sick of hearing about it. I don’t feel like I have had enough posts about gratitude and goodness to balance my mega-funk so I figured I would just not write for a little while until the ice cream works its healing magic.

Of course the decision to not write only amplifies my funk because writing is what I do.

So I have been walking around for days just wanting kick cans and make nasty faces at strangers for no reason other than I am mad I have to see them and I am not home on my couch. And I have been deliberating torturing myself by not allowing myself to write because clearly I am some kind of emotional masochist.

Really I was just trying to shelter you all from ALL OF THIS. Because it’s not pretty folks.

One thing I always struggle with when I am feeling particularly wretched like this is the tendency to compare myself and my feelings with the lives of others I see around me. I look at the outside shell of this person’s life or that person’s life and they are looking beautiful and having a great time and managing to dress themselves in clothes that are ironed and stainless. Meanwhile I am over here sitting in my t-shirt and underwear at 4pm because apparently putting on pants was just asking too much of me today.

So here are a few things I realized while on my latest feed-me-and-leave-me-alone-until-I-say-so funk:

  1. I need to be writing about this. This is real. This is not my highlight reel. I absolutely have my moments of zen and gratitude AND I have my moments where I am a shut in who doesn’t shower for an entire weekend. That is my truth.
  2. I am realizing that maybe other people’s highlight reels are not such a bad thing. What if we all just decided to be 100% about everything all the time? No Thank You! The world would be 100 times more overwhelming if everyone decided to just be super honest about how messed up life can be and how tired they are and that they hate their spouse’s cooking. The world is already a loud, scary, angry place sometimes – the high light reel (although only one piece of the whole picture) brings a balance to all that stuff. I will be a bit more thankful from now on that people I don’t know too well are not burdening me with all their honesty and instead are just letting me see fun pictures of their kids.
  3. When it comes to my/our tendency to compare our lives to the lives of others maybe we should try doing that another way that is less emotionally destructive. Although I am not in the mood to do a single thing other than eat, complain, and mindlessly stare at the television, I did manage to reach out to a few of my girlfriends and one of my soul friends over the last few days. When I compared what I am feeling right now to them they were super awesome about it. They not only did not make me feel like I was burdening them with my funk; they gave me some awesome funkiness from their own lives to compare it to that made me feel way less crazy. They were honest and they were the ones I needed honesty from. When I asked Is it just me? The answer I received was a resounding Hell No Man! To which I let out an enormous sigh of relief and said Oh thank God!

That last one is real important I think. If you take nothing else away from this post, take that. Because for me the comparing my life thing really drove me further into my hole of funk but the comparing my funk to the way my friends experience their funks thing is what pulled me out. One of my friends shared her funk story with me and told me how she wanted to Hermit So Hard – which I totally related to (clearly). Another friend commiserated over how much time is wasted doing chores and that adulting totally blows at times. Another friend is in a crisis that is a bit more serious and I cannot even compare my bad mood to it.

They were honest though and as a result we were able to really be with each other. So after all of this I decided I would write after all because maybe it will make someone else feel better to know that sometimes asking me to put on pants is just asking too much. Hopefully the next time you are in a funk you will remember this post and either feel better because you know other people feel this way or you can tell yourself Well at least I had my shit together enough to put on pants and take a shower today. Because honey sometimes you have to celebrate the little things. Life is exhausting, am I right?!

Badge of Honor

Processed with MOLDIV

I went to the dentist today to have some work done. It was to be a 2 hour procedure, the kind of thing most people dread. I was indifferent.I was indifferent because the dentist doesn’t bother me much. I definitely do not enjoy going to the dentist but I don’t dread it or get anxious either. It is just something I have to do sometimes to be healthy.

So I get in the chair, they numb me up, I put on my headphones and lay back for the next two hours while they do their thing. Some poking here, prodding there, “bite down on this for 5 five minutes”, “open wider”, “bite down”, “open wider”.. and so on.. 2 hours late she asked me to rinse and spit and I informed her that she still had cotton lodged up in my cheek. Suddenly she was flummoxed. Wait, you can feel that? You should still be numb..

Then after talking for a minute about what else I had been able to feel we realized they had not given me enough numbing agent at the beginning. Oops.

She commented on how I must have a high threshold for pain and I confirmed that I do and that was that.

When I was driving home I was thinking about it a bit more though and what that actually means.. People wear that truth like a badge of honor, I have a high threshold for pain, but what does that actually say about us?

Does a high threshold/tolerance for pain = I am really good at numbing. Or shutting down. Are we essentially just saying I am highly skilled at not feeling.

And why is it different for different people? Do some men have a high tolerance because of what it means to be a man in our patriarchal society? Do not show emotion. Do not cry. Do not allow yourself be vulnerable. Don’t be a pussy.

Do some of us have a high tolerance because of the other pain we have bore? Either no pain could ever be as severe as these initial painful experiences we have had or maybe it is that the initial experiences were so painful that we learned how to detach/numb in painful situations as a way of protection/self-preservation..

Either way it suddenly struck me as really odd that having a high tolerance for pain would be seen as a positive thing. Well, actually that is not true. I do think it is a positive thing, I still see it as a protective factor. I think what I mean is, yes maybe it is positive AND it is maybe kind of sad.

Good for you that you are able to take care of yourself this way AND I am sorry that whatever happened to you that made you develop this skill happened.

I do think in our society we try to cover pain up and put pretty details on it to make it more bearable when the truth is there is room for both the light and the dark when it comes to pain.

You can be a strong, resilient, survivor AND being completely shattered by the experience.

You can see a silver lining as a result of a painful situation AND feel engulfed by the storm cloud that created it.

There is room in this world for all of it. I do have a high tolerance for pain. This is true because of the pain my body has endured. I am quite skilled at detaching when I feel the need to protect myself. I have also become a skilled number. I have neither pride nor judgement towards these truths, they just are, and they are mine.

I guess what I am wondering is, will this will always be my truth? As work on rebuilding my relationship with my body and I go back to those places of pain and allow myself to finally feel it will my ability or want/need to numb still exist? Is it possible that I could get to place where I see pain as just a part of life and not longer fear it?

I don’t have answers for this right now but it was an interesting realization to wake up to.

numb

 

Anti-Climax

I am nearing the home stretch of my time as a social work student and it is not quite what I expected. I thought I would be filled with an excited bursting energy and end my time in school with some sort of fanfare, but the truth is it all kind of feels like a non-event.

I think a few things contribute to my lackluster sense of excitement when it comes to finally reaching my end goal.

  1. Grad school was an overall disappointment. There were a few classes and topics that i found interesting and informative but on the whole I was severely underwhelmed and felt under challenged. For someone who is focused on growth I felt I experienced very little this last year based on my experiences in the classroom.
  2. This semester is primarily web based. I am not going to campus much this semester so it doesn’t really feel like I am even in school. I occasionally have to write a paper but the work load is minimal and with no classroom time it feels is as if graduation somehow came and went without me.
  3. This internship being a longer internship makes it feel more like an actual job than an internship. Not having to go to class adds to that feeling. I love the internship but I do not feel like an intern, I feel like an employee because I have been there for so long at this point and am so comfortable with the job.
  4. I have decided not to walk at graduation, I may have already mentioned that. I have zero interest in doing the big graduation and they are not having a small social work celebration so there is no stage walking this time around. This of course makes graduation feel like a nonevent because it kind of is.

I am not necessarily upset by the way things are ending, it is just not what I expected. This is a big life event for me and without the hubbub surrounding it somehow it doesn’t feel so big. I am sure as the months slip by and the end is really upon me I will start to feel differently. Or maybe I won’t. Either way I almost done and that means something, with or without the fuss.

Loquat Season

loquat-season

 

I don’t like to play favorites with our trees but during loquat season I am certainly grateful to have multiple fruit bearing trees on our property. Yesterday it was cool and overcast so we all did work out front together. Hubs and dad washed cars while mom cleaned the inside windows, I trimmed back trees and bushes, and then later hubs and dad uprooted and removed an old decaying treeing stump. Lucy looked on from her post at the palm tree.

At one point  I took a break, plucked a few loquats, and went and sat with Lucy. I was commenting to hubs how the tree at the front of the house didn’t seem to produce as well this year and that is when he clued me in to the tree out back. I went to the back yard to check it out and found that it was heavy with fruit. I spent the next 30 minutes harvesting and was left with a full bowl of ripe loquats. So later in the afternoon when all the outside work was done Mom and I sat at the kitchen table peeling and pitting loquats.

In the evening we all watched a documentary together and had loquat banana smoothies.

It is a lot of work for a little bit of fruit but the result was delicious.

I am so grateful the family who lived here before us planted these trees. There are times I look at some odd aspect of our home and think, Why is this here? What were they thinking?. Not the loquat trees though. They were an obvious great choice.

Festivals and Vegetables

indie-fest

Friday my in-laws arrived and as expected Dad and I immediately fell into conversation. The suitcases weren’t even unpacked and there we were at the kitchen table deep in discussion.

Dad had a minor health issue at the beginning of the year which came as a shock to all of us, Dad included, because he is one of the healthiest men I know. Dad plays basketball with men half his age at the Y nearly everyday, he lifts weights, he runs the treadmill, and he eats better than most Americans. What we learned from this incident of his is that you cannot escape your genes. He is predisposed to heart issues and eventually that predisposition caught up with him. It was a warning call to hubs and I, we have already formed healthier habits than both of our families in terms of food but we could stand to be more active. Hub’s genes are now on our radar so we are making this a priority.

So when hub’s parents arrived Dad informed us that he is trying out a vegan lifestyle for a while. This was great news for hubs and I because that is how we eat 90% of the time anyway and usually when his parents visit I do not cook because our food is too bland and healthy for most palates. This time Dad was picking my brain to learn my recipes. We also talked about the documentary Forks Over Knives which he just watched, I saw that one some time ago. He was quite impacted by it.

I am glad to see anyone in our family makes healthy adjustments in their life, I am especially happy when it means I can cook and eat the way I normally would.

Saturday was the Indie-Folk Festival near our home. This has become a tradition for hubs and I, we have been going every year since we moved in together. Last year his parents were in town so we went together, this year they came along again. Lucy came for the first time this year as well. Lucy had a blast. We set up our blanket under one of the Live Oaks near the lake and Lucy’s admirers practically formed a line.

First it was the 6-8 year old boy who literally laid on top of her while he loved on her. Then the two little girls. Then there was a stream of men and women. Finally Lucy was asked to be a model for one of the nearby vendors. We were set up near a booth selling floral crowns and hanging plants; the owner came over with a small doggy sized floral wreath/crown made of eucalyptus and lavender and asked if Lucy would model it for her so she could take photos. Lucy gladly obliged and looked lovely doing so.

Hubs and Dad went and got us cold pressed juice and we spent the afternoon drinking kale and beet juice in the shade of an oak tree listening to soul and folk music.

When we were leaving hubs and I took his parents over to the Live Oak where we had many of our engagement photos done. I was sitting on a low branch while they walked around and Lucy hopped up next to me. I swear she is half cat sometimes.

Yesterday we went to some open houses hubs and I were interested in nearby. We are talking more and more about our forever home now that I am close to graduating/earning an income again. Hubs had a long conversation with someone in the business and it is clear now is a good time to buy with rents being so high and interest rates being reasonable.

Today hubs is working with Dad on a DIY home project for me. We have never used our fireplace because it is not cold here long enough to warrant the up keep of hiring a chimney sweep so hubs is instead making me a decorative candle display to have in the fire place. I enjoy having a fireplace because I think it makes a house feel more homey but the reality is in Florida it is really just for show.

So quick update on job prospects.. I was just made aware of another position that is likely going to be coming available soon that is heavy on the clinical side. That would be ideal if it worked out, I would really like to continue to build on the skills I have been practicing. I would also like the opportunity to practice new skills I learn from certification trainings and that would be harder to do if I am not in a clinical position. Last week I finished a certification training, I am excited to keep learning and growing and hope to land a position that allows for this.

 

Sending Out Love and Gratitude: An Ode to My Special Ones

I was reading something tonight that tied into a post that I have been writing in my head for a while now. It was the message I needed to let me know it was time to take this one out of my head and put pen to paper, metaphorically speaking of course.

The original title of this post was going to be something like “Why mine are the best”. When it came to start writing that no longer felt right though. That is not what this is about. We all think our people are the best and I could give lots of reasons on why this is true for me. Really I just want to send my intention of gratitude out into the universe so my special ones can feel it and know they are loved.

Okay, no further ado.

Soul Friends:

AJR: My gratitude begins with your depth . I look into you and see an infinity, you go on and on, you are endless. You are what I am talking about when I talk about an ever expanding universe inside of a person. I am also grateful for your light that shines so bright. In your words (especially written), your honesty, your earnest curiosity about yourself and the world. You have brought a connection to my life that is like a lifeblood. Thank you for your commitment to truth telling in our relationship. Thank you for showing up.

KR: My gratitude begins with your openness. An openness of mind and heart and soul. An openness to explore, and understand, and process, and ask questions, and answer them as well. I look at you and see love. It is in your voice, and your smile, your hugs, your energy, your work, your relationships. A love for yourself, for others, for your values. You bring a feeling of peace when we are together, a sense of calm. Thank you for being you.

TS: My gratitude begins with your understanding. There are things that we do not need to explain to each other that would take hours of explaining to others. There is a cosmic knowing that flows between us. It exists in our femininity, our souls, our make up as human beings, many of our shared views on the world. There is a natural ease that comes with being able to say something that some would judge as bizarre and know that at least one person “gets it”. I am grateful for our kindred connection. Thank you for letting me in and allowing me to not only see you but to be seen. I know how hard that is.

Companions/Soul Sisters

ALJ: My gratitude begins with your vulnerability. I see you. I see you in a way that you may not even see yourself yet and that is okay. I see you in me and me in you. I am grateful for the ways in which you hold me accountable. I am grateful to experience your passion and drive towards bringing goodness back to the world. I am grateful for the validation we are able to give to each other. While I know of course there are unspoken boundaries in our relationship, they are able to exist and you still make me feel a sense of unconditional acceptance. You are something special Indigo Child, I count myself lucky to be one of your people.

KeR: My gratitude begins with your light. You bring so much joy and light to my life. Your postcards speak to my soul. I am so thankful that our paths have crossed on our journeys towards healing. From you and our other soul camp sisters I learned of a strength that is uniquely female. We carry burdens no man could ever bear. You are worthy of all the love and goodness life has to offer and I hope one day both of us are able to accept that as our absolute truth. Until that time I am so thankful to share this space with you.

S: My gratitude begins with your presence. You validated my pain and my life with your honesty. I may never know what the connection is between you and I, but knowing you has changed me. Your time on my path was brief, I hope it is not yet finished. Only time will tell but you healed a piece of my heart and I will never have the words to give back to you what you gave to me.

M: My gratitude has no beginning and no end. It is infinite, it is ever growing. I do not have words. You are my Yoda.

Mentors:

MF: My gratitude begins with that assignment. You gave us an invitation to be seen and with fear in my heart I accepted it because some how I knew it was time. You handled my fear with honesty and gentleness. You held space. You have taught me how to hold space. You are the bar that has been set. When in doubt I ask, What would MF do? This work is sacred, thank you for your message. Thank you for seeing me.

LKS: My gratitude begins with art. You showed me what it means to be free. You showed me what realness looks like. You showed me a different way to be and that different was okay. You showed me the beauty of paint stained fingers and that mistakes are not mistakes. Thank you for taking an interest. Thank you for seeing the me I had not yet become and encouraging her to not be afraid of the world. There is space for artists/empaths/idealists out here in the scary world too.

Loves:

Lu: My gratitude begins with unconditional love. You are pure joy. You are sweetness and contentment and love. Thank you for always being happy to see me and for cuddles and for kisses when you can sense my sadness. Thank you for reminding us to play and be silly together as a family. Thank you for opening our hearts and for showing/teaching us love without limits.

Hubs: My gratitude begins with “that is not going to be a problem for us” and it never ends. You showed me and continue to show me a different way to love and accept love. You have taken years of pain and tears and transformed them into laughter and safety. You are my alchemist. Thank you for your honesty and stability. Thank you for your friendship, and support, and kindness. Thank you for allowing me to be who I am and for remaining who you are and building a relationship around that. Thank you for our past, present and future. Thank you for choosing me.

I Knew This Day Would Come

badgut

One of my biggest fears when I first made the decision to become a social worker was that I would not be able to do enough to help/protect/save/fix/serve my clients. Then I started the BSW program and my own therapy and realized that is not what this all about. Help, yes at times. Serve, yes we do that. Protect, we would love to be able to do this, and maybe sometimes we do but the truth is we are not super heroes. Save/Fix, nope, not part of the job description.

Learning boundaries helped me a lot in this area. It gave me a much healthier mindset about the work we do. Still, I have always known that a day would come where these feelings of not-good-enough in the realm of social work may pop back up for me. Well my friends, that day has come. That day has come and gone actually.

I did all the things I am able to do, I followed protocol, I worked with my client to ensure they were safe and gave them a few new tools for their emotional tool box. At the end of the day though I had this nagging feeling that I made no impact. I had to sit with that feeling, take it to tea, and get to know it better.

What does it say about me that I was not able to make a difference? Am I a bad social worker? Is this person’s suffering my fault? Did I do enough?

The answers are: Nothing. No. No. and Yes.

Here is my gratitude now that I have finally had the client that brought on these feelings and this day has finally come..

I am grateful that I have been doing my own work so when it did finally come I maintained my boundaries.
I am grateful that I was able to recognize these feelings belong to me and they actually have nothing to do with this situation. My client did not make me feel this way, this is my stuff, not my client’s.
I am grateful that I am comfortable enough with my darkness that when I feel my shame pop up I am able to show her love and support. Love is inside job.
I am grateful that  I self-aware enough to recognize how I was triggered in this case and check-in with myself.
I am grateful that I am in place in my life where I make taking care of me a priority so I am able to offer my support to others in a healthy way.

At the end of the day I did all the “right” things and did not get the outcome I hoped for. That is okay, this is not my life, it is theirs.

I was enough. I am enough.

 

 

Visionary

I have been called a lot of things by a lot of people over the years.

Some things I have liked:
Joyful
Magical
Empathetic
Kind
Tenacious
Playful
Wise
Honest

Some things less so:
Bitch
Slut
Ugly
Fake
Liar
Manipulative
Bad
Insecure

Some things have even come as a bit of a surprise to me:
Brave
Strong
Sexy
Leader

Today a new word was presented to me: Visionary.

I felt good when I tried it on for size. Visionary. This is a special word, not everyone gets to wear this one, it felt like trying on Merlin’s robes. Yeah, I like this one.

As I have documented here I have been experiencing some pretty cosmic shifts recently. I am experiencing an understanding, a knowing on a intuitive level, like I never have before. I am able to see things and make sense of them in a new way that feels really really good. All of this will play a role in who I become as I move forward towards my truest self and share my knowing as I work with others.

That is where the visionary word came up, as I was talking about that. You are a visionary, you will light the path for others, your truth will not be their truth but your truth will help them find their own.

Through art and written word and practice and truth and connection.

When I started on this path towards inner healing nearly two years ago I was Luke; unaware and uninterested in what existed beyond myself. As I have traveled this path with my own personal Yoda guiding me I have started to become a Yoda myself. Soon I will mentor and guide my own Lukes as they walk their hero journey towards Yodahood.

That is the cycle of the hero journey.. Luke to Yoda, Yoda to Luke, and on and on. The Yodas are the visionaries and I am becoming a Yoda.

yoda1

visionary