So that post earlier where I talked about letting go of control and asking the universe for clarity.. It is as if it never happened.
I felt better for like 5 minutes and then spent hours researching different job opportunities and getting hopelessly disappointed by how disconnected I felt from everything I was seeing. Then my husband got home and I cried for a while about how hopeless I feel and my enormous fear of backsliding and not being able to continue my direction of growth.
Yeah… So that happened. So much for not getting all wound up and trying to control it. I lasted like 15 minutes. I am not as zen as I would like to think I am. So much for meditation and intuition, I’ll just freak out over the future and catastrophize the shit out of my entire life.
So now I feel the need to balance my mini-meltdown with some rationale..
Here is my truth:
Everything has always turned out.
I am surrounded by abundance.
I have never settled but I have had to wait for the right thing.
Patience has been worth it.
When I become clear on what I want in my life it comes to me.
I do not have to have everything figured out right this moment. I do not have to have all the answers right now, they will come when they are meant to.
And now I would like to take this balance once step further and throw in some gratitude because the rationale may help ground me but the gratitude is what makes me feel better.
Tonight I am grateful for my husband, for our home, and for our sweet fur baby. I am grateful for the surplus of canvas I have left over from Christmas gifts. I am thankful for books and the worlds I am transported to when reading. I am thankful for all the growth I have experienced in the last 5 years. I am really really thankful for the growth.
I am also thankful to be in a position in my life where these are the kinds of things I worry about. I know even this is something to be thankful for. The things that give me anxiety now are things I could not even dreamed of asking for 5 years ago.