You had me at Circuitous

vegetable-isle

This morning hubs and I went early to the grocery. We wanted to beat the crowds and get this errand out of the way for the day. We have a routine at the store, he hits the deli for the stuff he wants, I go straight for the produce section and wander. He gets the dairy, I get the grains, and then we are out the door by way of the tea isle in case anything interesting is on sale.

Today we were not in sync. We did not follow our routine and I cannot even tell you why. He was in grains and I was wandering in canned vegetables, we were all over the place. Then Madonna came on and I was dancing in the paper good isle while he tried to ignore me and select the perfect plastic storage bag.

Finally I found my way to the produce section where he later joined me. He approached me somewhat disgruntled and interrupted my apple inspecting to comment on how I chose the most circuitous route around the grocery, or something to that effect, I honestly stopped listening after circuitous. I put down the Granny Smith, gave him my full attention (at this point he began to smile because he knew what was coming), and said I love you so hard I would marry you all over again right here, right now, in the middle of the produce section. He just laughed, we kissed, and finished our shopping.

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Weep — Everyday Poet

My face contorts, twisting muscle, pulling skin – tears again A familiar posture – SURVIVAL, then pain, then muscle memory. Maybe bending my brows and pursing my cheeks will alter reality Or perhaps offer salve. They travel- tear to eyes- face to heart and back again. Temporary agony. I know. Brief, I’m certain. But deep. […]

via Weep — Everyday Poet

 

I was scanning my Reader while on a break from writing a paper this afternoon and found this emotional gem from my dear poetic friend. I felt compelled to share it as it so completely illustrates with words how I have been feeling recently. She is right, these moments of emotional fall out may be brief but they also can feel all consuming. I am always amazed how she is able to capture with words so vividly something  that I personally understand but would never fully have words for. As always I am in awe my friend. Thank you for this, the stinging imagery makes me feel connected to our fragile humanity on a greater level.

 

 

I Will Follow You

I’m tired and my soul is weary from the unrelenting heaviness of the last few weeks, however I don’t think I would fall into a restful sleep if I ended the night on the last post that I wrote. I feel the need to balance those feelings with something lighter. With that I will report briefly on a text message I received Friday that made my entire week.

I was wrapping up at internship, finishing up some documentation, when my hUbs sent me a text message asking me when school starts up again in January. I responded and then asked him why. I had a slight uneasiness that his answer would be because someone was coming to visit and stay with us at the beginning of the year. Please don’t misunderstand me, I love when our friends and family come and stay with us. With that being said, I also know that I am in desperate need of the break that will come between semesters and I just don’t know that entertaining company will give me the break that I truly need.

The response that he sent me got me completely off-guard. He wanted to know because he was considering planning a trip for us over winter break. We had toYes with the idea In passing not long ago, but I in no way thought we were serious. This was the absolute best news I could have possibly received from him.

Not long after this text message exchange I left internship and gave him a call on my way home. We talked back and forth about what he had been thinking and once I got home we talked some more and began brainstorming together.

Right now the idea is still being painted with very broad Strokes. We are thinking the city like Austin or going back to DC possibly. We are also toying with the idea of winter in the mountains.

Honestly I’m just so thrilled that he wants to take me away that I don’t feel too particular about the destination. It’s so unexpected and so welcome I feel like I could be happy anywhere. I kind of like that we don’t have something specific in mind too, it adds a level of adventure to the whole thing. We’re just going to randomly decide to go and explore somewhere. That sounds absolutely amazing right now.

So that is my little bit of news that is a bit lighter. As always I’m grateful for the balance in my life. I’m particularly grateful for the balance that my sweet partner brings to my life. I haven’t been overly vocal about the heaviness I’m feeling because some of it I kind of want to just process on my own. But even in that I think he has picked up on it and maybe somehow he knew I needed this. I’m just really grateful, I don’t think I can say much more than that.

Where..

alex-diamond

When I was searching for something to color this post with this piece by Alex Diamond stood out to me because it kind of represents how I am feeling in a way I have trouble expressing with words..

A few weeks ago someone I used to know went missing. For weeks there has been this feeling of fog.. Where did he go? and now that where has morphed into a different where, the where is now, Where can I talk about this?

I learned today that it has been confirmed that he has passed. He was missing for weeks before this news finally broke. I know everyone had hoped for a different outcome. My heart is heavy for his people. My heart is also especially heavy for him.

I am processing this here for two reasons: one, because I do not know how to talk to anyone in my life about it and two, because even if I did – I don’t want to.

This person was a friend of an ex. I knew him on a casual level for many years while I was with my ex. It has been close to a decade since I last saw him, it was just a few months before my ex and I called it quits for good.. I still remember that encounter with him.. I was at a new years eve party at his house, our friend was in town from the military and I was stopping by before going downtown with friends for new years. After hugging me he complimented me on my perfume, he knew exactly what I was wearing, he said it had always been a favorite of his. We caught up for a few minutes and then I proceeded to spend time with my friend in the military until I left. A month or so later my ex and I ended it for good and that was the last I saw of this person.

He was on the periphery of my life even when he was in it on a regular basis. We were not close but that does not change the fact that on some level I feel a loss in this. I think I mainly feel a heaviness, a sadness for him – there are so many thoughts and feelings about this I don’t want to share.. I also feel heavy for his people, the ones who loved him fiercely and are left behind. He has a child, that part really hurts my heart.

This is such a difficult thing to process because the truth is my heart is hurting with the news of his passing but how do you explain that to anyone? It is like when you find out someone you knew in high school and interacted with but were not too close with passed in a car accident (which has happened on more than one occasion).. You feel the weight of that loss but where do you go to process those feelings? Will anyone understand?

So here are a few things I would like to get out about this..

He was funny. I remember a million years ago when I very first met him I was sitting on our friend’s back porch with him.. He was a musician, and he was playing something but he kept messing up on this one part and every time he would mess up he would say Damn it Jim! The thing is, his name was not Jim. He did this two or three times and finally I asked him, are you saying Jim? He was so lost in his own musical world I don’t know that he had even acknowledged that someone else was sitting out there smoking a cigarette. He looked up and paused and then laughed as he explained that whenever he gets frustrated with himself that is something he does. I laughed too. I had caught him in this totally honest, quirky, authentic moment.. I am glad I have that memory of him.

I remember his most in the context of him being the boyfriend of his ex-girlfriend. I was a girlfriend in that group as well and spent more time with the other girlfriends than the actual guys my then boyfriend was friends with. His girlfriend was special. There was something kind of mysterious about her, something very real. I admired her very much and even before I knew him too well I remember thinking he must be pretty special too because you would have to be to be with this girl. As I got to know him better I understood on a very small removed level why they worked. I remember feeling sad when I learned that they had not worked out because I had liked them both separately and together.

I do not know any specifics about his departure from this world and I absolutely do not want to. That is so personal, I think that is for his people to hold. It is sacred. Through the information that was being shared when he was missing it did mention suicide risk though which is also part of the heaviness sitting on my heart.

I hope his soul is able to rest and feel peace. I hope his people, especially his child, are able to find comfort. It still does not feel real and I am sure the closer you get to his inner circle the truer that statement becomes.

I am sending each one of you love and light, especially you JW. I don’t think a person ever truly knows the ripple effect their life can have on so many others. You were a sweet soul and I have gratitude that your path crossed mine however briefly.

loss

Star Light Star Bright

cassio4

Tonight was the big night in regards to dressing up and celebrating Halloween. Moo loved my costume, that was the only thing I cared about. I have to say that the make up I did for this costume is my favorite make up I have ever done. I smeared blue, gold, and turquoise eye shadow all around my eyes to resemble outer space and then stenciled the constellation on to my cheeks in silver eye pencil.. It was super arty and fun. Once I had the dress wrapped and fastened properly I also drew Cassiopeia onto my exposed collar bone/shoulder.

I had a lot of fun creating the costume this year and was thankful for a night of whimsy, it was much needed after a week of rough waters.

 

Social Working and Self-Care

I think my mini melt down Sunday night over gratuitous violence on TV was a precursor for what this week was bringing. It has been a heavy week. At one point my supervisor was jokingly telling me to bring in my sage and smudge the office to get rid of the bad energy.

There has been a good balance though I would say. Tuesday night the topic in group class was self-care, that was fortunate. And Wednesday we got plenty of outside time and we, the interns, even ran a few errands together. So there has been balance.

We attended an intense training around childhood sexual abuse this week, a client’s family member flew off the handle on one of our counselor (which we all knew was pure projection but I know it still didn’t feel good when it was happening), and there was just a lot of other weird things going on that added to the bad energy.

Today we all went home early so tomorrow we can come back refreshed and start preparing Halloween festivities for our clients. I am looking forward to baking with counselors tomorrow, I can’t believe I just said I am looking forward to baking.. It will be fun though.

So other ways I have personally offset some of this bad energy is by writing (obviously), going to bed early and sleeping late, eating well, getting plenty of outdoor time, spending quality time with hubs and Lu (watching the cubbies win!!), and not over doing it at internship this week.

I also reached out to a few people via email that I have been wanting to check in with. I emailed back and forth and caught up with my previous intern supervisor, she and I made plans for lunch in a few weeks. She called me clairvoyant because she said she was just getting ready to email me and check in, we are synced I swear.

I checked in with my friends at hospice, they are doing well, and I look forward to my next opportunity to see them. I also made plans with my former professor turned mentor. I will be seeing him in a few weeks. I am hoping to pick his brain about trainings and certifications, he has given me great leads in the past.

As I mentioned in a recent post, I am realizing that I am going to have to seek my learning opportunities outside of the classroom. I discovered through a conversation with my intern supervisor that the rates on some of these certifications are lowered for students. So it might actually be more affordable for me to do this within the next few months. Bring it on. We’ll see what I come up with.

In other somewhat related news.. I don’t want to count any chickens but I get the very distinct impression that I may have two different job opportunities lined up for me following graduation.. I do not know anything for sure but I caught wind of a few somethings and am waiting to see what happens. Again, I do not want to jinx anything but it would be awesome to have something lined up and not have to job hunt right out of school.

So that is where I am at right now. Still trying to take it easy this week. I am hoping the country will chill after the election and maybe the negative energy will clear as the holidays approach.. I hope.

 

Connection and Transformation

Today I was drawing in class because I am sad to report that I am learning NOTHING in this class right now and drawing seemed like a much better use of my time. Side rant about school.. I have already mentioned this briefly in passing, I am getting next to nothing out of grad school right now. They are recycling information and assignments from undergrad. I mean this very literally. I have literally already done some of these exact assignments and today for example I watched an hour long video that I watched in undergrad. I am disappointed but I digress.

So today I was drawing in class and I had this awesome idea for a new art piece that I want to work on when I have time. It will be a piece about transformation and connection. I was drawing one thing today and then recognized how using the exact same elements (shapes, line work etc) I could create a completely new object. It made me think about how everything is connected in nature and in life and the transformations all living things go through. It made me think of evolution and creation and I got super excited with this inspiration.

Right now the idea I have for the piece is still pretty abstract and maybe I will refine it a bit or maybe not and that is okay too. A lot of the stuff I paint is pretty readable and I think that speaks to a piece of me that is maybe still a bit insecure with my artistic abilities.. like if what I create isn’t readable it is not good or something. I don’t think I actually believe that though because some of my favorite artists are abstract and bizarre.

So yeah, we will see. I am pretty bummed about school right now but it is giving me opportunities to explore other things I guess.. I feel like I am doing my best to make lemonade right now.