As I was looking for the perfect something to go along with this post that will wrap up all my sentiments I found so many perfect quotes by Paulo Coelho. Of course I did, I mean The Alchemist c’mon. As an aside, if you are a soul in search of something – it does not matter what it is- read The Alchemist. It is life changing.
So here are a few I loved and give me courage to write the words I need to write on this..
“If you are brave enough to say good-bye, life will reward you with a new hello.”
“Important encounters are planned by the souls long before the bodies see each other.”
“You will never be able to escape from you heart so it is better that you listen to what it has to say.”
“There will always be a reason why you meet people. Either you need to change your life or you are the one that will change theirs.”
And my personal favorite that I use as a mantra so often in life..
“When you want something all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.”
Thank you Paulo for making this post easier to write.
I have written here and there about the transition that comes along with the stage of life I am currently in. Something I have deliberately left out because it felt a bit too raw to share is that the transition can be painful, and has been for me.
In my mid-twenties I had a few cherished female relationships I knew I could depend on. They were different from each other but they all added value to my life and I felt confident at the time I was adding value to theirs. Since then we have all moved in different directions and that is okay, there is absolutely no love lost. At some point I stopped growing together with these women and started growing separately, not better or worse, just my own way. The part I don’t discuss is how much I miss the companionship though.
I have my soul friends who I love dearly and hold close, those relationships all bring value to my life and look different as well. It does still feel like something is missing though.
My best friend was someone I could tell anything to. The last time two times we made plans they were cancelled. Last fall (I think) we made plans to meet for brunch. I had started my trauma recovery therapy a few months prior and I was struggling. I had Todd but I needed a friend. There is a part of my healing I do not discuss, a few parts really, and I needed to talk about it with someone. This friend has her own trauma story and I knew she would be an empathetic ear and the emotional support I needed. When we made the plans I told her how excited I was to see her and that I wanted to talk to her about my therapy, she was all in. The morning before our plans she texted me to let me know she had invited a friend of hers that I had never met before.
I immediately texted her back and said I wasn’t comfortable with that. I had not seen her in months and knew that I would not feel comfortable talking about these deeply personal topics in front of a stranger. She then texted me back apologizing but in the end we decided to cancel. She did not feel comfortable uninviting the friend, which I understand, but I knew I was not in good place emotionally and would not be able to show up socially the way I need to with a new acquaintance. That was me showing up for myself and being honest about how I felt and what my needs were.
We never rescheduled and I battled through my emotional crisis with my therapist and Todd supporting me. The truth is though, I really wish I had that female companion too. I needed someone who gets it to help me normalize everything in a way that my therapist and husband just couldn’t.
Fast forward to this spring new plans were made and then cancelled. I did not hear from my friend for about 6 months and she did not hear from me. So she had no idea I was in the struggle of my life with myself and my demons. And I had no idea she was in crisis as well. She and I were going to get together one weekend, the plans were made far in advance. As the weekend approached I found that I was once again in emotional crisis, that has happened a lot while in therapy. She called a few days before our plans and I was so excited to see her number pop up, I really needed to hear her voice and reassuring words. A moment into the conversation it was me who was offering reassurance though. She was in crisis. The friend she had invited to brunch 6 months ago had soon after become her roommate and this roommate was making her hate going home. It was everything from the girl not paying rent to taking her food.. My friend owns her home but felt unable to evict the girl out of guilt, it sounded like lots of boundary issues from what I was hearing. My friend was calling to cancel our plans. She was in the midst of a deep depression and just did not feel up to it. I understood and was grateful for her honesty, I was not doing well either and did not feel I could handle another person’s crisis at the time. We were not going to be able to support each other even if we wanted to.
Soon after she informed me via text that she did evict her roommate. I was glad for her. I know that was hard. Since then I know a lot had been going on her life, and a lot has been going on in mine. We have never rescheduled. It has been over a year since I last saw my best friend.
As someone who was not fortunate enough to grow up with sisters I have always valued the female relationships in my life. Now I know some of you who have sisters are probably rolling your eyes at me, I get it, sibling relationships are HARD! I am a woman who needs other women though. I have always had a best girlfriend, a confidant, a bosom friend. Someone who was in the same place in life as me and had similar ideals/interests and who made me feel understood in a way that only another woman could.
I love the woman I have been writing about for the majority of this post. She is electric. She is fire. She something to behold and anyone who has the good fortune to be invited into her life should count themselves lucky. We have had no falling out, I still look forward to seeing her at some point in the future. I do know it will be different though because it is different. We are different. I am different.
For months I have been putting the intention out into the universe to send me my bosom friend for the next chapter of my life. There so many awesome women on the periphery of my life right now and I wonder about so many of them, are you my person? Are you seeking something too? I feel like that is a really important part of puzzle, the seeking. It is like what Rumi says, What you are seeking is seeking you. In order for this friendship to be balanced the other person has to be seeking as well. As I believe that all good things happen in an organic way I have been hands off with these relationships hoping that they will develop in exactly the way they are meant to without manipulation. In the mean time my heart is still seeking.
I long for the feeling of understanding. I long for closeness that can only exist in a female relationship. The kind of closeness where I do not have to explain the details of each emotion because you know that feeling and you feel it too. I have never been disillusioned about relationships. You cannot expect to get everything you need from one person, that is why friends exist. My therapist cannot be everything for me and they shouldn’t be. My husband cannot be everything for me, and he shouldn’t be. My bosom friend, whoever they may be, can’t either and they shouldn’t be. My relationships being successful and feeling balanced depends on all of these relationships as well as the relationship I have with myself.
I have definitely felt a hole in my heart for a while, it comes from the transition I am in and I know it. Being aware of why it exists does not help fill it though. I do not just miss this female companionship when I am in crisis either. I miss it on a good day when my husband is sweet and I want to share that joy with another woman who is experiencing it in her relationship too and gets it. I miss it when I want to talk about the future and children with another women who is thinking about those things too. I just miss it. I miss my friend but more so I miss the space she filled in my life. I love her and wish her well as she travels on in her life. As that door closes and I say farewell I am so ready for what and who comes next.