Faking It

I am on day four of the inner body germ war, my immune system has been fighting a losing battle but I think today might be the day they get their act together and kick this germ’s butt once and for all! Here’s hoping anyway.

Day four of being ill also means day four of not getting out of bed for more than 10 minutes at a time. My hair, true to form, is now officially freaking out, this photo sums up what I am working with:

hair-problems

I am also starting to forget what fresh air smells like. Maybe I will muster up enough energy to move my laying from the bed to the hammock later.. I don’t know though, seems like a lot of work.

Four days of laying in bed also results in a lot of time to think. Don’t be fooled though, not all thoughts rolling around up there are diamonds. My brain goes from profound to rotten potatoes pretty easily. My latest musing falls somewhere in the middle of that spectrum, maybe leaning a bit nearer to rotten potatoes.

I read something today about how women at parties who appear deeply interested in something a man is saying are putting on a show essentially. It was snarky, and is an example of the kind of feminist humor I am not really into. I am not into feminism that assumes all men are trying to oppress gender minorities. I am not into extremes in general. It did get me thinking though. It made me think about faking it, whatever it is.

I have faked all kinds of stuff in my life. Orgasms (the title of this post is laden with innuendo so I wanted to get that one out of the way first), interest in what someone is saying, being happy, being nice, bravery, and a whole slew of other emotions and actions connected with emotions, relationships, etc.. etc.. etc..

The question is why?

Because I have been programmed from a very young age to put other’s feelings and needs before my own.. You know, I was going to write a whole list of reasons for why I personally do this/have done this in the past, and why we as a larger society fake it, but what else is there to list really?

I think part of it is fear but what is behind that fear? I want to draw a red arrow up to what I just said. The fear comes from the fact that I have been programmed to believe that I am not allowed to put my feelings and needs before those of others. I have been more concerned with not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings or other related negative repercussions but have given zero consideration to how faking it makes me feel.

I once faked a friendship for years, even though I knew less than six months in that this relationship was not good for me, all because I was worried about how my leaving the relationship would make the other person feel. The result of faking it: I was miserable!

Faking orgasms in order to spare someone’s feelings has resulted in my needs not being met and me feeling let down.

Faking being happy or nice  or any other emotion when I am not actually feeling that way results again in me feeling miserable.

I wish I could end this post with a exclamation of emotional freedom, I will no longer fake it!! That is not how this post is going to end though. I certainly start each day with the intention of being as authentic as possible and showing up for myself 100% of the time but I know from experience it is not realistic. In order to exist in a world with other people and actually get along with these other people, I may have to fake it sometimes.

Now, how I will try to balance that truth is by not ignoring the voices that pop up in my head that I cannot express outwardly. For example, if someone is being an absolute jerk I may choose to confront that with kindness and understanding when there may be a piece of me on the inside that really just wants to tell the person where to go shove it. I will not ignore that piece. I will validate her on my own time. I guess the exclamation I will make to close this post out is I will no longer fake it with myself!!

I am definitely at a point in my life where I will not entertain fake relationships or orgasms, but I also recognize I may not be able to show up 100% real with the outside world all the time. I will absolutely have the intention of doing that with myself though, because all of my pieces, bitchy and otherwise, deserve to be heard.

self-love

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