I just wrote a really difficult post in my dark place where I realized something awful, I was never saved. No one came to my rescue, I was not protected, there was no hero just the hope for one that never came. This all pertains to a certain aspect of my dark work and it was a really painful realization. So I felt the need after sitting with that terrible realization to come over to this light space and balance that.
I was never saved. That still hurts to say but there is something very important to take away from that. I was never saved but I survived. I did that. All by myself, just me. I am the reason I am still here. Not being saved meant that I had to take care of myself, I had to develop skills I otherwise would not have had to in order to take care of myself, to keep myself safe, to get myself through to the other side. I was waiting for a hero and when one did not come, it was on me to become my hero, so I did.
Something we talk about a lot in social work is resiliency, and a persons strengths. I never gave myself credit for my own resiliency. When you spend your entire life trying to deny, and ignore, and disconnect from the awful things that have happened you do not pay attention to the secret gifts they gave you as well.
I took care of me when no one else showed up. And now I am learning to love myself in those places of pain. I was there for myself when the bad happened, I will be there for myself as I heal.
I am the hero of this story, don’t need to be saved. – Regina Spektor