I Can’t Breathe

i cant breathe

I was dropped kicked in the face by my trauma today. It is late and I have my first day of internship tomorrow so I am not going to process all this here and now, I felt the need to address it though. Give it a voice with the hope and intention that it will not haunt me as I try to sleep tonight. I wrote about it in my dark writing place so I have processed it to some degree but I also felt the need to put something here as well. This blog is about my experiences as a student and this is absolutely part of that, I do not want to edit it out just to make the over all story look nicer.

This piece of my story is not a piece I am willing to talk about openly, not at this point at least. It is not like my car accident, it’s roots are deeper, it is messier, it is the trauma that all my other trauma ever experienced was originally born from.

I was not prepared to face it today. It is a dragon and I was not wearing any armor. I had it together long enough to be in my car alone where I can let myself go. It was as if an old wound burst open, my tears flowed like blood, I bled myself dry.

I am okay now. I am much better at taking care of myself than I have been in the past. I feel safe, grounded, loved, and comfortable. I feel like after reading my book for a little bit I will be able to go to bed without issue. The best part of that is I did that for myself. Yes, I processed what happened with Todd but I did not ask him to come to my rescue, I did that for myself. I know how to do that now. I made myself feel safe, I showed myself love, I helped myself feel grounded, I am the reason I feel comfortable and ready for sleep. There is only one relationship you will have for your entire life and that is the relationship you have with yourself. It is the most important relationship of your life. Nothing I have ever done in my entire life has been more important than learning to love myself and invest in the relationship I have with myself.

For a brief moment tonight it felt like my entire world cracked open and 20+ years of trauma came washing over me in one terrifying instant. I did not spiral. I did not retreat. I did not numb. I sat in that awful place and felt every single thing I was feeling and took care of myself. I made it better. I did it. This is the turning point in my life where I realize every single thing is possible. If I can do this thing I have never ever been able to do I know I am capable of anything.

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