I have new found gratitude for this blog. It has been an important part of my life for the last 4 years or so and this weekend I am looking at it through new eyes.
As a way to try and process some of what I am having trouble processing in therapy I have started writing down some of my trauma stories. It is as awful as it sounds. It is also enlightening, I have had a few break throughs already. It is also scary, it brings up a lot of difficult emotions and I am outside of my therapist’s office so that part is tough. It is helping me figure out how to show up for myself though and nurture the pieces of me that are experiencing those difficult emotions. It is a lot of things and we (we being me, I am not sharing this with anyone) will see how things go.
I have been writing in this blog, the brain work blog, for years and throughout this time I have gotten more and more comfortable expressing myself this way. I have always excelled at writing over verbal forms of communications, my brain seems to communicate much easier with my hands than my mouth. A piece of me wonders if a higher purpose for this blog was to prepare me for the writing I really needed to do in order to heal myself. What if this blog was a place holder until I felt safe enough to write down my real story(ies)? I have been real on this blog, I have gone to real places, but there are certain places I would never go. The luminescence of this space is not great enough to bring light to some darkness.
I find that while this kind of writing (dark writing that I am doing in another space) is difficult because of everything it awakens, it is also easier in a way. There is absolutely no filter. There is no thought to What will people think? Who may this offend? This part is too raw, I should leave it out. I am just writing. It is stream of consciousness writing essentially. I am recalling my stories exactly as I need to in order to get out whatever needs to get out. It is liberating and terrifying all at the same time. Putting words on paper gives them life, I do not want to breathe life back into some of these stories.
I think this is my way of releasing it though. Whatever it is. At the top of the page I write on I keep the quote, I will not self-censor, I will write my dark truth. This is for encouragement and accountability. I have to say it all, I cannot leave any part out. This is hard but I think it may be what sets me free if anything ever could.