This will not be a sweet post about my love of rain, or the current book I am reading, or my excitement over the next life event I am anticipating. This post is about my struggle. This post is about trauma.
Yesterday I had a major break through in therapy. Over the last year of weekly sessions with a therapist I have gotten to a place where I can finally admit that I am a survivor of trauma. That is big because most of my life I have been minimizing my experiences or in some extreme cases trying to completely disconnect from them all together.
So the breakthrough yesterday was being able to identify a common pattern in how I look at/deal with/frame my trauma experiences. It was kind of heart breaking. As I go through this beautiful work of becoming more myself and learning to love the pieces that for so long felt unlovable I, at times, have felt so much sorrow. Sorrow for how I personally have treated my fragile pieces. It is one thing for the outside world to be cruel, I cannot control that. But I have so much regret and sadness for the amount time I spent being cruel to myself, that is part of what I have to work through as well.
Yesterday I processed an aspect of one of my traumas that I had never allowed myself to feel before. I cried for two hours straight. By the end I was exhausted but I felt relieved. It is like I had been carrying this weight I didn’t even know was there for 17 years and finally I was able to let it go. I will never be dismissive over that aspect of my trauma again because I finally understand how deep it hurt. I will validate and love that piece of myself and give it everything I could not back then.
Last night when I came home my eyes were sore and tired. I sat on Todd’s lap and talked to him about my session. I went to bed before him last night but when he came in I felt him put his arms around me. Last night I slept sound, no nightmares, no waking up and not being able to fall back to sleep.
I am thankful for finally having enough stability in my life that I can do this work. I am thankful for feeling safe and accepted for the first time in a relationship. I am thankful that I am finally able to hold myself close and take care of me.