Today was intense. Tonight I got into bed and picked up The Diary of Anne Frank and on the first page I read,
I hope I should be able to confide in you completely, as I never have been able to do in anyone before, and I hope that you will be a great support and comfort to me.
Immediately I put down the book, I knew what I had to do. I went back out to the living room, got the laptop and climbed back into bed so that I may sit here and write about my day.
Today I had my interview with the agency I will be interning with for the next two semesters. I am intimidated, I am doubting myself and my abilities, I feel vulnerable and exposed, I am scared.
So my dear blog that has been with me through these last 4 years of school I hope to be able to confide in you and I hope that I will find the support and comfort that I need as I have so many times before with you.
Today when talking to my Dad he told me I was brave. Brave.. Not a word I have ever used to describe myself. I don’t think once in my life I have thought of myself as brave. I mean, I am always afraid of something. I am jumpy and skittish and easily startled. I get rattled and keyed up and while it may not show on the outside, on the inside I am filled with fear and anxiety.
Today I was filled with insecurity and fear and I know today will not be the last time I feel this way. There is a chance I might feel this way most of my internship, I have really pushed myself outside of my comfort zone here.
The only thing I can say about it right now is that I think I will just have to try to be in tune with these feelings, find out where they are coming from and try to use them as part of my growth. I have a formal support system through supervision, seminar class, and my professors who I can process with. I also have an informal support system in my family, friends, mentor(s), and therapist. I am supported. I am not alone.
I wasn’t going to write about the interview or if I did I was going to leave out some of the parts that made me feel overly vulnerable. Thank you Anne Frank for reminding me why I am here, why this blog even exists. This fear is a really important part of my journey and I will leave no part out. This internship is not going to look like my last internship, it may not be as warm and fuzzy and I am may not be as comfort or confident.. That is okay.
I may be afraid but I am not letting my fear stop me from doing this and that in itself is brave I guess. I can be brave. I am brave. I am brave.
I AM BRAVE.