I was breezing back through some of my posts recently. I do that from time to time. I find it really grounding, especially when I am not feeling super centered. It helps me see my growth, literally, because it is all laid out here for me. A few years ago I know that at times I would lead from a place of judgement, judgement of others but more importantly judgement of myself. A few months ago I took a complete hiatus because sometimes that is what life requires. A few weeks ago I graduated from college, the me who existed before I even started this blog did not believe that was possible. A few days ago I felt completely disconnected but found my way back.
I may say this blog is about my experience as a returning student, and yes that is true, but this blog is about me. It is about my life, my growth, my agony, my joy. This blog is about how I experience the world and how that changes over time.
I think the one constant that remains through all my growth and change is my idealism. I have been an idealist my entire life, it is one of my favorite things about myself. When I feel unsure of myself or the world I always feel like that is one thing I know.
So when I was recently passing through old posts I noticed something. One of the tabs on my blog is labeled How the Idealist’s Brain Works. It is a play on words relating to the title of the blog itself, and here is something I can tell you about how this idealist’s brain works.. I believe in happy endings. More accurately I believe in happy everythings, not all the time, but in general I do. The same with happy endings, maybe not all the time, but in general I do and this blog is proof.
I took notice of how I end so many of my posts..
I am grateful for this minute, hour, day, week, month, year. I am grateful for this breath and the knowledge that in the next everything could change.
As I step back and look at the people I am surrounded by I am so grateful for all these strong, passionate women I get to have in my life. Women who feed my soul. Someone once told me that it will be women who save the Earth and you know, I am inclined to believe them.
So yeah, today was a bit of a mess in terms of cleanliness and neatness of attire but none of it seems to matter when I am sitting in my hub’s lap in a glider eating coconut ice cream.
I am really excited about and grateful for the time we will get to spend with her this summer. I am thankful to have people in my life that I feel excited about, she is certainly not the only one.
I spent my time supporting those I love, allowing others to support me, dancing, talking, hugging, laughing, writing, painting, in quiet reflection, and cloaked in love.
It was a great night. Talking, laughing, listening to music, and creating. Recently I was talking with someone about painting and other aspects of creativity and just how vulnerable being creative can feel. I know that for me it is maybe not something I could do in the company of just anyone, but her company was perfect.
I too am grateful to have found someone who made it feel safe for me to accept love. I am grateful for all the people in my life who have made me feel safe to accept love.
Grateful for my triggers, grateful for my support (within and without), grateful for love (within and without), grateful for this sucky day.
I am grateful for family, friends, a partner to experience life with, the ability to travel, and quiet time for reflection.
I am grateful for the constant change in my life. I am grateful for the last two years. I am grateful for all those who have crossed my path, walked it with me, have given me darkness, and given me light.
I am certainly grateful for good books, art supplies, and the ability to travel.. It all adds color and beauty to life.
I am grateful.
I believe in happy endings. As I read over these endings I see/feel love, support, acceptance, gratitude, light, reflection, more gratitude, authenticity, joy, excitement, more gratitude.
Not every post ends this way because I feel how I feel each time I write and there is no mandate that a post has to end well if I don’t feel well. That would be inauthentic and forced and that is not me. AND THAT is the whole point. Inauthentic and forced is not me. These are my happy endings, they were never forced. I am gratitude, I am love, I am reflective, I accept and give support, I am joy, I am excitement, I accept myself, I am light.
I am an idealist and I believe in happy endings.