Now I Know It Was Never About Forgiveness

With Gratitude

To be more accurate about what is written above, I am still learning that this too is a gift.

I have wanted to write this post for a long time but have not known how. I still don’t feel that I do but I feel ready and now feels right.

I do not see all of my darkness as a gift and I am not thankful to everyone who has given darkness. Some of it is though, and to some I am thankful. Maybe one day.. but for now this is enough and I can say that with conviction.

I have been involved in a lot of conversations whose intentions are to help me understand that people (even those who hurt us) do not cross our paths on accident, that not everyone is filled with darkness (which I already believed), and that things that have happened were maybe meant to. Some of that has been hard for me to digest, as an atheist, as a feminist, as a million other identities I hold, but most importantly as a survivor – an identity I still do not fully identify with. In order to identify this way I have to be willing to admit certain things happened and I am not there yet.

In very specific situations, with a few people I am able to see the truth in some of these ideas. It explains a magnetism I felt. It helps me understand things I have had trouble understanding and in some cases it has helped me understand that I do not need to understand.

Someone, multiple someones, that I loved very much gave me darkness. In some cases I see now that it was in fact a gift. I cannot help but feel unending gratitude now for these people, this person, and the darkness they bestowed. I also know that once I was someone that someone else loved very much and I gave them darkness. I hope one day they are able to see it as a gift as well.

A few months ago I saw someone I once loved, someone who gave me much darkness and who I gave darkness to in return. This is when I knew that it was never about forgiveness. I have never felt like I could forgive this person, something about that felt like I was abandoning the pieces of me who were hurt, who were scared, who already felt abandoned. When I saw this person I knew I was okay and silently I sent the person a message of gratitude, not in that moment I admit, but once I processed it that was what I was left with- gratitude.

It’s a funny thing darkness.. It is where a person can feel most lost, it is also where one can be found.

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