I recently realized that I have been sleeping on the job when it comes to minding my relationships. I have allowed someone who feels toxic get too close.
It happened gradually, little things that made me feel off.. an assertion of control here, manipulation there.. Then it became more apparent like attempts at isolation. Before I was even fully aware of it I was feeling dread when this person would reach out to me and finally realized I was actively avoiding this person. That is when I snapped out of it and realized what was going on.
I have been so busy I really haven’t had time for this person anyway which is why I don’t think this was on my radar. What really grabbed my attention was something that happened recently that felt like complete deja vu. I could not figure out what was causing the feeling then after meditation it all became clear. I have felt this before with other toxic relationships. The manipulation, the control, the attempts at isolation, the overall negative energy.. I realized the only reason I had not walked away yet is because every time I interact with this person they make multiple comments about how I am “the only one”, the “only person” they can talk to, or that they have for this reason or that. I didn’t realize how much I was internalizing these messages. I was keeping contact out of guilt, I am their “only one” for this reason or that.
Um, I did not sign up to be anyone’s “only” anything. Even my husband has relationships outside of our own. We are introverts but we have friends. I have been in friendships and intimate relationships where this kind of thing took place, never again.
Thankful for mindfulness and meditation. I am much more in tune with myself now than I ever was in my twenties.