I have been sick since September 25. It is October 28. I have been sick for 33 days. I think that might be my record, hard to say though as I have a propensity for illness. If there is something going around I will get it, even if I come no where near it I will find a way. My immune system is like Thomas the Train that way, except that instead of huffing up a hard to climb mountain its greatest accomplishment is how often it can fail to do its one job, keep me well.
I have had a lot of time to lay around and make observations in the last month and three days, a few of which I will now share.
So one thing is that pixie cuts can be, at times, the most ridiculous looking haircut there is. So I will share openly with minimal shame that there was a period in my month long illness where I became such a disgusting couch germ that I did not shower for like three and half days. Do you know what a pixie cut looks like after three days of no maintenance?! It just keeps getting bigger and bigger like it is staging a revolt for being ignored. By day three it was standing on end in every direction. I thought I was going to have to shampoo it twice or use hot wax just to tame it.
Another observation comes after days of becoming one with the couch. I really like the idea of who I think Lena Dunham might be as a person but GIRLS just seems like a hipster version of Sex and the City. Maybe I am just too old to appreciate it, my magnificent year was ’07. It is just so disappointing because I thought it was going to be so feminist and edgy and I don’t know.. Parts of it actually feel kinda anti-feminist at times. I continue to watch it though hoping that something will happen that will make it okay for me to admit out loud that I watch it.
This semester is not turning out like I thought it would. I do not enjoy a single one of my classes. Policy is the only one that even comes close to enjoyable because it is taught from a social justice perspective and it is taught by my favorite instructor but it is on Wednesday nights so it is still hard to care much. This is the first semester where I just feel like I honestly do not give one shit and I just want to get through it. I feel like it obvious in my writing which I hate because putting my name on a paper means something to me so I hate that there is no passion in what I am writing about. I am simply writing to get the grade which is like working for money instead of working because you believe in what you do. This is just not for me at all! I also do not care a whole lot about next semester and the internship either if I am being totally honest.
After this week I have to get my shit together. I know there is a really strong chance that the reason I don’t care about anything right now is only partially because I have been sick for a month but also because I am working through my past trauma and my go to place when dealing with trauma is avoidance and shutting down. I just want to disconnect from everything and disappear. I cannot go through my whole life self-sabotaging like that though so I have to get myself together and show up for my life. There is only a few more weeks of this semester, I can do this. Then one semester of a pretty sweet internship position which I can also do and then I have a fucking degree. I will be the first woman in my family with a degree and my past, my trauma, my shame and my self-doubt will not fucking stop me!!