Counseling has been a delicate balance for me this time around. A balance between the life I have now which makes me feel nothing but gratitude and love, and a life from before that was darker at times. Last week I felt like I was dwelling in those dark spaces with ghosts. Phantoms of people I used to know, and people I used to be. I felt overwhelmed. And much like a child, I was afraid of the dark. After a few days of dark I discovered maybe it is not quite so scary as I had originally thought, maybe there can be love and gratitude there as well.
Among the broken pieces of a past life I found inspiration. Drawing, painting, creativity seemed to flow out of my finger tips.
I did start to feel a little lost though so Todd came and sat in the dark with me and helped guide me back out. Whats more, he wasn’t afraid of my dark like I was. The journey back out of the dark started slow with talking and hugs. Then came little adventures like walking to the nearby park for a picnic and going to the nicer grocery to wander around and marvel at the enormous produce section. In the end we were cuddling on the couch eating dehydrated okra and it was as if the dark was never there.
While we cuddled on the couch I started to think about the lyrics from our wedding song and suddenly they took on a much deeper meaning,
“Bring me your Love Tonight,
No I am not Where I Belong,
So Shine your Light and Guide me Back Home.”
So today I sit here feeling like myself again, living in the light rather than dwelling in the dark, and I am grateful. I am grateful for the work I am doing on me so I can finally feel whole and not haunted by my dark and the ghosts that dwell there. I am grateful for my life as it is now and the path I have been walking down for the past 5 years. These last few days have really given me new gratitude for my husband though. While he knows of my dark and my ghosts I have never wanted to let him in to actually see it, I was afraid it would be too much. It is not his job to save me from it or try to fix it, that is not what I want, but I appreciate it that he is not afraid to get in there with me when that is where I am. I appreciate that when I am ready to come out from under my cloud he will hold my hand to steady my footing. He said that I will never be alone, I realize now what he meant and I am grateful.