Today I spoke to my Mom about the feelings I have been struggling with in regards to being in school with my brother. It is the first time I have opened up to someone outside of Todd. She agreed I need to speak with him and helped me prepare myself for the conversation.
I feel like I have opened Pandora’s box and I know it is too late to close it again. I have no choice but to see this through. I know this is the right thing for our relationship and we will both be better for it but Ugh! I dread conflict. I keep telling myself most people dread/avoid conflict, what I am feeling is normal and facing it is the strong, healthy thing to do. I am hoping with enough repetition I will start to feel better.
I think it is good that I am finally addressing this and I look forward to making it out on the other side but the downtime leading up to the conversation is unnerving. It looks like we will have a chance to talk in person Saturday so until then I have to try not to dwell which means not allowing myself to live inside of my own head for the next two days. This is will be a great opportunity for me to practice mindfulness and being fully present and engaged in the moment.
I recognize that the issues I struggle with in my relationships pale in comparison to what others may deal with so I try to remain grateful. If the worst thing my brother and I face is me feeling slighted from time to time, then we are doing okay. The fact that we can talk about our issues and I know with every confidence things will get better means we are doing okay. Recognizing that I have evolved from a place of avoidance and denial to a place where I can still be afraid but meet my problems head on means I am doing okay.
I am okay, we are okay and everything is going to be OKAY.