I woke up at 5:53 this morning in tears and in Todd’s arms. My sobbing apparently woke him which led him to wake me from the nightmare of all nightmares!
It started with my brother, he was dead and I was devastated. It was unclear what happened, there were no answers, he was just gone. As I was grappling with the grief of this reality suddenly it was my Mother, she was dead too. She and my brother gone, just like that. I felt my chest start to rip open, I didn’t know how to process this new piece of information. I was with my Dad and we were both pacing around and he was trying to explain something to me, to some how make me understand what I could not possibly understand, that they were gone. Then it happened, Todd was dead. The dream went black, I was numb, everything was dead.
The next thing I remember from the dream was my poor bereaved Father trying to console me. My thoughts were racing, I knew it couldn’t be true. They all died in a car accident, of all things, my biggest fear in the world, a car accident. I was robbed of my Mother and I knew no one could possibly console that loss but Todd. But he was stolen from me as well and I knew the only person that could soothe the pain of that loss was my Mother. Then there was nothing, just darkness and grief that shot through the dark like lightening, lightening that hit its mark every single time leaving me jolted with waves upon waves of unending despair. I was drowning.
The last thing I remember before Todd shook me awake was seeing his ghost. I was hugging his lifeless body and his ghost appeared. He told me I had to let go but I couldn’t, I couldn’t loosen my hold because I knew once I did he would be gone forever. I pleaded with him not to make me and then I was awake. I was awake and balling hysterically, completely enveloped in his embrace. Once I caught my breathe I pulled away, I needed to see him. I needed to look in his eyes and know he was here, alive, this is real not the dream.
After a few minutes of nearly hyperventilating I calmed down enough to tell him what happened, I didn’t stop crying though. I couldn’t. He had been taken from me forever and suddenly I got him back. I was completely distraught over the loss of my Mother and brother still as well. Even though rationally I knew it was all just a terrible dream my heart was in no state to hear logic, all I had were these feelings of loss and relief swirling together in a kind of mania.
After a few more minutes I still wasn’t breathing quite right but I had calmed down enough to get up and wash my face. At this point it was 6:15 and I knew there was no chance I was going back to sleep so we turned on the news. the first story was of a derailed train and the body count so far, I started crying again. We then muted the news. Lucy jumped up in bed to see what the commotion was about so we all cuddled together for the next 15 minutes until Todd had to get ready for work.
I have had a hard time shaking the dream today. All morning I felt uneasy, I couldn’t hug Todd hard enough when he left for work, I didn’t want him to go. I called my Mom once I knew she was off work and made plans for the afternoon, I spoke to my brother too, just to make sure he was there.
I have had bad dreams before but never like this. This was brutal. Something that has been bothering me as I recover from the nightmare is knowing that for someone out there, multiple someones I am sure, this nightmare might be their reality. People experience these kinds of losses daily. This is not some impossible thing that could never happen, this is reality. I am definitely going into the day with a grateful heart for what I have, who I have more specifically. It was a devastating reminder of what is important.