I had no intention on posting an entry today. My inspiration was not in writing. Instead it was taking me towards painting, which is exactly what I was doing when my blissful silence was broken by a knock at the door.
I heard “shave-and-a-haircut” and of course my first reaction was slight panic for reasons I have stated in previous posts but then I assumed it was my father as that is his knock. This would not be unusual, he has Mondays off and if he was in the area he would absolutely stop by. What was unusual is that he hadn’t called, he would normally call. I considered going to put on something more appropriate as I was bra-less (as I often am when I am home alone for the day without plans for visitors) but decided against it convinced it was just Daddy. I got to the door and looked out the peep-hole to discover I was wrong, much to my dismay. It was our persistent neighborhood religious salesman with a new friend. I would take me a few minutes to go to the back of the house, change into something appropriate and get back to the front door to speak with them so I decided against it. Instead I did something that absolutely infuriated me, I hid behind my front door until they left.
I am exasperated. I feel that I have no choice but to be the person I have not wanted to be during encounters with this man. I do not want to be rude or threatening, I do not want to be the kind of person that hides behind my front door from someone. I want to be able to be honest and respectful in order to relay my message and I want to be respected in return. The woman who accompanied him on his visit last week understood and appreciated my honesty, however he said nothing during our last encounter after I made my feelings clear so I assume he has chosen to ignore my wishes. So what next?? How do I make my point without becoming this person I have tried so hard not to be? It was difficult enough for me to be as honest as I was the last time because I was concerned about offending them! This man clearly does not care that I feel offended and violated.
I am going to have to give this some thought because clearly I can expect a future visit from him. What I think upsets me most is the disruption to my creative process. I am agitated and now have to try to not only calm down, which I will be able to do easy enough, but also get back into a state of mind that has been shattered. Booger.